Blu, Youre right. I feel all over the place. I feel like I am trying to find answers in everything im reading and im kind of getting scattered and not really sure which way to go. Part of me thinks to go with my instincts and just be myself and handle this how I feel I should, but thats what ive been doing for a year and obviously it isnt working. So I need to take what ive learned in DBing, and also be myself in my interactions with him a bit more, not such an act. I was doing this perfectly a week ago. I was actively putting down boundaries with him, but I was being very calm and myself around him in person. A few days of that and he was texting me how sorry he was about everything hes done and how he wishes he handled things differently and he hated leaving home, etc. I felt like I was REALLY finally feeling okay and he was starting to come around in turn. And then I found out about OW the next day and it all went to sh*t. And now ive just been trying to be nice to get him out of this anger, and its not working. And Steve on here has told me I have to stop the niceness.
Man is this hard. I want to be myself, but myself wouldnt be leaving the house every night when he comes. And myself wouldnt be thinking about every single thing I do and say to him. And myself wouldnt be thinking for hours afterward about every word he said. Its just crazy. I want to be myself. I am at the point where I wish I hadnt brought up knowing about the OW last week, because we were in such a great place that felt like it was getting better, and I lost all momentum with that. Icant even remember how I handled things in our relationship anymore. Its like I cant get my mind there. I dont know what all I put up with and what I didnt. Ive tried to make such changes since BD, I dont even know who I am anymore or what works and what doesnt.
Ive truly thought all along that my H would come back to our M. I have truly ALWAYS felt like he will wake up and realize what he is losing. But I am beginning to think that will not be the case. He is seeing a pretty great version of me right now and all it does is make him angry. Angry that I made changes once he was half way out the door. Angry that I wear different clothes now. Angry that im GAL. Angry that I wont let him live at home and have his cake. Angry that I know about OW. Angry that I am nice. Angry when I dont respond. Angry that I exist.
I just am at a point where I really dont know what I can even do and I cant really measure what has and hasnt worked. Its all jumbled. I guess I will start with a beginners mind somehow. I dont know. Im afraid if we go days without communicating, he is just going to grow closer and closer to OW. I know Im not supposed to worry about her or about him. but man how in the world do you do that?
Ill keep moving forward. Thanks for the continued help!
