Hi all, I am back with a new login, for those of you that have been following along and helping me through my sitch, I am the one who has embarked on this journey putting my little daughters first and I know only they matter. Me - good looking, intelligent, loyal gal with two precious Ds under 4. H (that was) - loving, supportive, patient H and father, my BF. WH (that is) - angry, resentful lava spewing alien that walked out on us BD - when baby was less than 3 months, very few signs of unhappiness before and I totally missed them. S/D - mediation under way, almost all terms finalized Reason - per WH, I am controlling, judgemental and not a suitable partner to him (grand realization after 15 years together, and birth of second child) No proof yet, but all signs point to him having both EA and PA. I am finally accepting it after everyone here and my friends and family saying it was obvious for last 6 months. Healing journey - IC, reading and posting on these boards, talking to safe people and trying to GAL and letting go (slooooowwly, argh)
I did everything wrong for first few months post BD, begged, cried and lived through hell on earth with him disrespecting and undermining me every single day. I tried to DB to my best but failed, 180d, validated but was patient to the extent of being a doormat probably and showed all desperation to keep my family intact. Since WH moved out, I have been getting stronger and trying to get along without him. I still have bad days but the frequency is lesser than before. I vaccilate now between wanting WH back to actually just cutting him out completely like the cancer he is to my life right now. He still is deep lost in his fog and the A mostly is in the honeymoon phase but the limited interactions we have he still spews.
Blu, Steve, Nicole, V, Helena, One, Maika, Davide, LW, Ovr, Jim, Eric, neffer, ballast and all others who have supported me through the journey a huge heartfelt thank you. Hope you will continue to guide me through this darkness for I am far from done.
The past few days WH has been dragging me down again. He wants to go on his personal trip again and started texting about changing custody schedule. I declined it saying I had plans and he should give me more notice in advance. He went crazy after this, texting me incessantly and begging and arguing with me during children exchanges. He went on to say I ignore him and dont even treat him human anymore and threatened that if I ever plan to leave city with kids he will file an abduction complaint. After few days of this, I broke DB rules and started texting back, politely but one too many. I agreed to keep the kids for the day he was taking off and was not willing to swap my day. He is still trying to text and I have told him going forward our communication can only happen thru a coparenting app. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, dealing with him corrodes me. I have no respect left for this runaway, irresponsible person, I loved him with all my heart and soul and he has become a threat to my existence and I need him out and need him out fast. I do not know if this is all my love could carry me through but I am in survival mode now and he is the cancer that threatens it. If there was any benefit or if I didnt know any better I would probably file for D myself. Did I do wrong by DB standards? Should I not have agreed to cover for kids in his absence? He might as well could be a no show so but by agreeing to him going away on his parenting day did I fail to drop the rope? Sometimes I dont know DB right from wrong, from intuitive to counter intuitive, everything seems upside down. The easiest way to stop him from bothering me was to agree to him, maybe weak but I need this for my sanity. Also may be time to go on some ADs, I have been avoiding them as I have a nursing infant. I need some 2x4s and suggestions for co-parenting apps or if anyone knows a guy who knows a guy I can use one of them too, lol.
