Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

What's keeping you there? The cruise? The hope that something wonderful will come out of this? The though of having to start from scratch with someone else?.

Great question! I'd say much of the above other than something wonderful - I don't see that. It's likely that the cruise is number 1. I've tried to explain the dynamic of this but unless you are in it I guess it's hard for you guys to understand the significance of this. First off it's a tremendous opportunity to get and do something that rarely comes along. We are getting as a band over $10,000 grand to do a gig that would normally pay about 1/4. But that's just the start. The potential is great for this to become a yearly thing. For one band this will be their 5th straight year. Our drummer got tapped to go to Hawaii on a 10 day trip and cruise. That coukd happen to me amd the full band could go again for several years if we don't rock the boat. I'm 3 layers down here. Everything is now booked including flights. If I come back to them and ask for changes I'll be seen as high maintainence. I know there will be charges. Here is a separate example, we used to perform at a place 6 or 9 weekends a year. We needed one or two extra hotel rooms for a festival they were part of. For whatever reason they got P'd off. They never hired us for that festival again and we rarely if ever play the bar/restaurant anymore. It's just how this biz works. Think of how many bands would kill for a $3,000 vacation (per band member and guest) in exchange for less than 10 hours of "work". The leaders wife is very savvy on this stuff and dealt with the promoter on the flights. I guess he was rather difficult and was already a bit upset with something we had already done that caused them a slight hiccup. She already said, you guys better not rock the boat or you'll never get asked back. Imagine if I were the guy who capsized us? Nope, I'm nit raking that chance.

Hopefully that makes it more clear why now that Wild Girl is all booked and ticketed I'm extremely reluctant to change it. But then, change it to whom? The other two I was considering now know I'm taking wild girl. I can't hardly go back to either of them and say, "hey do you want to be my second choice to go". The thought of starting from scratch also is there. Those of you who've been following know my struggles there.

All that said, I won't stick with wild girl for fear or reluctance to do anything else. That's not me, I've totally always been happier alone than frustrated with someone else. While I don't think something wonderful will come out, until about two or three weeks ago it had been really nice. So we are talking about 1/6 or 1/5 of the time has been more strained. So it well may return. It would be just as stupid for me to bail at the first speed bump. Had thus started at week three it would be a different story, I'd be gone, but also not this far in. But I need to give it time. There is no rush to bail. Should I meet an awesome girl thus weekend, I'll ask her out. There really is no rush as long as I detach.

I really do wonder if this doesn't relate back to sex. The most baffling part is D17. There is nothing I could have done for her reaction - I swear wild girl had to say something to her. I've got a great intuition and I'll bet I'm right about this. I'll maybe elaborate in another post but I wonder if Wild Girl was testing me with some comments, etc and I totally failed - and I even know better. I know, it's not making sence but if I tell the story it may.

Thing is, it's not like I even want to contact her and am not. I have not had one urge - especially since she asked me, as always to text her when I got home Sunday night. I've not heard from her since. So I will wait this week. I really will be surprised if I don't hear from her but if not, at some point I will just cut to it and ask what's up, something is obviously going on and put her on the spot with it. It's a little different than an OLD thing as she can't just ghost me away with not only the cruise but her family all know me, my friends know her, her friends know me. I'd be shocked if she would even try if these other things were not in place, but certainly not when they are. But I'll first give her time and space. That's number one