The beginning of a long and painful journey

[Rawpain]

Just some journaling.

W and I are still havent spoken at all really . The odd message here and there over kids clothes and bits n bobs but no other communication in the past month. She doesnt even bring the kids to my door anymore . She just watches from the car and as soon as I open my door she drives off. I suppose there is not really anything to say.

I have asked the kids to please stop talking about OM to me. It made me angry last night when I was putting DD to bed she cried saying she wants W home and then she was telling me how funny he is and how he tickles her and other things about OM . S seems quite low at times . He cried when I dropped him off at W today. I told him to be strong. Be good and to look after his sister. He is so tolerant with DD as she seems to be acting up.

On a positive note my DD did learn how to pedal on her bike which was great but then I got a little low remembering how we were all together when my S first started riding.

My sleep is awful at the moment. I only got 2 hours last night and just feel drained today. My mood was really low last week and I did think about W most days. Debating wether I want her back but I still come back to not wanting her. I do miss her and it seems hard training my brain to not love her.
Sometimes I just forget my sitch then it all comes back in a gargantuan wave of loss and anger hate and worry. Then I level out again . My wave of emotion seems to be down more than up recently.

I have started to put time back into my art projects again that I stalled on. I know its not really GAL but I am enjoying it even though it is quite solitary. I feel it may help with a new job role in the future as someone has asked me to put a portfolio together for him. Tbh I dont really have confidence in my work yet though.

So thats just me. I am still reading through other peoples posts . I just dont really have much to update .

Thanks for reading.

[SteveLW]

Working on art IS GAL. GAL is about staying busy. Yes it can mean going out and hanging out with people. It can also mean going places alone. And it certainly can mean keeping busy with hobbies and interests.

[Rawpain]

I just wanted to run something past you fine folk.

My W asked me to swap a day so that I have the kids on one of her days and she would have them on one of mine. I agreed.I was only going out on my bike and could do that another night. I didnt tell her this. Is this okay?

I dont know what she was doing and didnt ask. Our communication is pretty much non existent . The odd message here and there regarding kids. I keep it short and business like. Normally only a couple of words. She has asked me again to swap a day in a few months. Should I do this? I dont have anything on. It just will mean I have to get up earlier the next morning.

Another thing I would want to check. The other week she asked for my kids bike helmets as she has bought them new bikes. This was a lie as S had already told me OM had given them bikes from his kids. I decided to buy 2 new helmets for W house as I didnt want the inconvenience of the back and forth every time I wanted to take them out. This was 3 weeks ago and she hasnt even taken them out.

Another thing I did was spend quite a lot of money on clothes for the kids and split them between me and W. The problem I have is that they have all ended up at W house and Im just left with all the old clothes already.

I feel like im being bated into an argument. I havent said anything to W regarding this matter. Should I challenger on this?

I just want to clarify that I have paid for all this because I receiving all the benefits and I am not paying anything to her. Is it still NGS ? I just want my kids to have the things they need.

Any input would be greatly appreciated

[SteveLW]

On the day swaps. That's fine. I'd continue to do that for her when you can. When you can't due to schedule then stand your ground.

Helmets are fine too

On the clothes, you need to mention that some of them need to come back up your house. Do it nonconfrontational, but be firm

[neffer]

How´s the GAL going Raw?

[Rawpain]

Hi neffer

Ive stalled a little on my GAL. Ive withdrawn away from my friends because I know theyre not healthy for me at the moment. Too much drink and bad advice. Aattitudes i dont agree with etc...
I have lost my motivation for going out on my bike and just getting out the house other than going to work. I do go out when I have the kids. I am still working on my art when at home. My excersie routine has reduced. I dont seem to have motivation or energy. My mood is always pretty low. Im not over weight, Im just not muscular.

I just feel lost at the moment. I have no desire for anything.
Life is just going on around me. Im strong and have purpose when I have the kids. But when theyre gone my life just feels pointless. I dont want to socialise but I dont like being alone.

So thats my head space at the moment.

[ovrrnbw]

Create the desire, take the first step...throw your hands up over your head and smile and scream and do your endzone dance like you just won the Super Bowl. Get out of the house. It's still warm out, go do something. Use your body to manipulate your emotions where you want them to be. Don't settle for apathy or sorrow, make your life better by DOING.

[neffer]

Agree with Over. You need to get out of your house. Get an exercising routine, go biking. You must do it Raw. Even if you don´t want it, no excuses. Get out and GAL. It would refresh your mind. Do it man!

[Davide]

Raw,

I have been in that head space that you have describe a good amount. Lethargy and apathy seeming to control my body, a dark fog dimming my head space. It s@cks. I know.

The mantra that has helped me the most is "Action precedes motivation." Once you get up off your couch and start doing something physical your motivation to keep doing it will grow. The hardest step is always the first one, but if you trust in the fact that you will feel better once you are up and moving it does make it easier. For me having a routine helps - I go to early morning yoga and don't think about it or consider it, it is just what it is. But find what works for you. The same goes with friends and socialization. Find people whose values or interests line up with yours - go to meetup groups, go to the gym, find an art class. Taking that first step is always the hardest part.

What isn't helpful is beating yourself up for feeling down. Focus on the positive effects that you know will come by taking action.

Hang in there.

[hoosjim]

Raw, i gotta agree with the others, here. I can tell you from personal experience that when you are in "that place" (and we pretty much all have been there, at least those of us with Wayward or walkaway spouses), you need to just force yourself to DO something. Anything. Worst thing you can do is just sit around and stew. Do some of the things you used to enjoy doing back when you were single, and/or find some new things. If it all seems too overwhelming, and sometimes it can, just pick ONE thing to do. Maybe even just one productive thing around the house, a task you can check off your "list" and say "Yeah, I've done that." Then do another, and another, and another. Then add something fun and enjoyable or at least distracting in terms of leisure, entertainment, or self improvement. For my part i found the two things that helped me the most were 1) Faith and 2) Fitness.

If you are so inclined and are a person of faith, go to church (or go back to church if you used to go but then stopped). Heck, even if you are not a person of faith, get out there and find a church-- there are many, many churches out there, especially more modern revival-type evangelical churches, that don't care if you are a member or even if you're a "believer"... they just want and would welcome you there. And quite often the messages at these and other churches can be quite uplifting and helpful even if you yourself are not a believer. For me, my faith was a lifeboat, a source of comfort and security that kept me from sinking when all around me looked stormy and hopeless.

As to fitness, being in shape quite simply helps you feel better emotionally. I myself find it almost impossible to feel depressed when i am working out and the endorphins start flowing. Plus, it can make so many other things in your life better-- how you feel at rest, how you sleep, the activities in which you are physically able to engage, particularly as you get older, how much attention members of the opposite sex pay to you (which is never a bad thing.) In my case, I combined the two-- i found a church that really "spoke" to me, but they also have a heavy online presence and, while i was working out, i would listen to old sermons given before i started going. I actually still do this.

Anyway, good luck, and God Bless. But, whatever you do...

DON'T JUST SIT AROUND!!! GET UP AND GO DO SOMETHING SOLDIER!!! <SMACK!> (Consider that latter sound effect your 2x4 for the day!