A familiar story with questions. VI

[RR17]

A bit of introspection.

It has come to my attention recently that W has said a few things that have stuck with me. What is curious to me is that at the time I didn't think much about it but over time these items have stuck in my mind. I'm not trying to mind read as much as I'm trying to understand the significance to me.

The first one I did acknowledge but has turned out to have a much more profound effect than I first thought. While explaining a potential business endeavor, my W said supporting "I think you should do it. Nobody knows it better than you and you are great at it."
So I immediately thanked her for the kind words of support. I also thought "I'll bet you do so you can take half the money on your way out the door" I didn't express these thoughts at all. In fact, I struggled with the impulsive thought. I also more importantly realized that since the recession 10 years ago, I have not heard words of encouragement like this from her. Now I was aware that I had not heard these things and I acknowledged that I appreciated the fact that W said it. But this has stuck with me how much I didn't expect it, and how much I had missed it.

The next thing that I am pretty sure I heard but I'm not 100% sure is, one time during one of my dialogs I mentioned that I did still love W. I know I'm not supposed to say that. I didn't say it in a way where there was any expectation of reciprocation, just kind of matter-of-fact. Well if my memory serves me W did reciprocate, and because I had no expectation and she didn't stop me, I breezed right past it. It caught me off guard. (You see, I'm detached)
Now the significance is that in the past, pre DB, after BD, I said this with expectation and sometimes I got a forced reciprocation and sometimes I got nothing. Either way, it was forced and not very genuine. At the time I really didn't care because I was hurting and needed to hear it.

This time it, if it really happened, it was genuine. W was never one to say it first. Even when she did it was "Love you too" kind of thing. IDK, some childhood thing probably.

Those of you that have read this are probably thinking, so what. I get it. But if you understood that I am a l"ive in the moment and plan for the future" kind of guy, you might understand the significance of me contemplating somethings that were said in the past. In fact, people ask me about my weekend and I am so caught up in the upcoming week that I often struggle to remember what I did over the past weekend.

I don't know what it all means, but it is odd all the same. I guess good changes are happening. I still have moments when I feel angry or suspicious and feel like blowing things up. The difference is I realize that they are feelings that may very well change and this helps.