Back Again

[Shrike]

Not feeling as bad tonight or right now. I did not respond to her last message and she has not sent me a new one since about 10am. Definitely feels weird not talking to her as much. It has been a week now since I started ''as little contact as possible''.

Our schedules right now make it extremely hard to get a life. She works at night at a bar (a not so good environment) I have an ok day job, but have been laid off twice in the last 4 years and each time it set me back further and we went into debt further. Trying to balance my debt, the rent, bills, food etc, makes it extremely difficult to afford child care. Before the split our schedule was so, to save money, to pay debt and buy a house. Now it has carried over into the separation, so that I have to basically see her everyday to get the kids before she goes to work at night and in the morning when she picks them up from me. So I have them every night during the week except Tuesday when she doesn't work. In addition she works Friday and Saturday nights, so its hard for me to do anything on my own on the weekends to GAL unless I find a sitter. We have then been alternating Sundays. They only way for me to change this, would be to try and find daycare for my children and split or alternate weeks, this would force her to find someone to watch the children at nights, or find a new job, neither I'm sure she is willing to do right now. Especially since being at her work, is a huge enabler of her current lifestyle.

I signed a one year lease in a pet free rental in May. The market here is kind of crazy for rentals, and at the time I felt like I needed to get out of the house, since, she had insisted on it, and we were fighting so much. We had two dog's who I miss dearly, who now live with her. Something I remember her saying back in July when we started talking again and where getting along quite well and being very intimate was that she would have considered moving into my new place if they allowed pets. I remember saying I could most likely get them to amend the rental agreement, but she then back tracked and said that would be a waste of money, since she wasnt interested in a relationship with me anyway. She then said something along the lines of, you being here gives you a year to prove that you can change.

I remember asking her a lot if she would like to live separate, just date, and get to know each other and see where things go, as long as there was no om. The answer was often, ill have to think about it, maybe, or we will see. Odd now to me that it must have felt good for her to be able to pick and choose at will when she would have contact with me or not. I remember hanging on to every little scrap she would throw me and eat it up. And I just thought we were getting along.

Maybe I paint too dark a picture of her, she did not seem malicious at the time, but I cannot help but wonder what was running through her head and imagining it being something along those lines.