Thank you Gordie and Gerda. You guys are amazing and I appreciate all of your help and kind words.
Gordie, you are right...I do need to take it easier on myself. I've been doing better with that the last couple of weeks. I've started to let go a little and get back to myself some. Not the me that I was with W, but ME. I had begun to forget there was a difference. I have a decent support network, but if I'm to be honest, I've been trying to lean on others a little less lately. My friends and family, and Ws family for that matter, are all wonderful in their support of me, but few of them truly understand the depth of what I am going through. Most people just get divorced when stuff like this happens. I think I've attained sainthood amongst my family and friends due to how I've handled myself, but thats just because they don't understand the nature of my love for my W and how MLC works. It causes me to want to share less with them as I learn to stand on my own 2 feet again. I really have been getting better and more detached, but I still have my down days here and there.
Gerda, I just love your heart. Your message made me tear up a little. Thank you so much for your kindness and I am glad we are able to shine light to each other at our times of need. I've had to take a step back from the forums for a bit lately. I've been doing pretty good at being detached, but sometimes when I get on the forums its such a stark reminder of all that I've gone through and all I have left to experience. Sometimes it keeps me from living day to day and appreciating that day. I'm sorry that I haven't been here to help in your time of need. It sounds like you are going through a tough time. My heart goes out to you. I really needed to post today so I came back and caught up on a few peoples posts.
Journalling...
So, I've been doing pretty well these past couple of weeks. Ws actions (the little I see of them) are not affecting me hardly at all. She is occasionally nice, although I really haven't been reading much in to that. And when I say occasionally, I don't mean that she is mean the rest of the time...just that she is still distant. Previously I would read something in to every nice gesture from her thinking it meant something. Now I am starting to see her behavior as a bit awkward. She doesn't seem to know how to act. I still see lots of bizarre behavior from her..well bizarre for her anyways. She still seems unfocused and her emotions seem misplaced...for everything. She got braces recently. I know it isn't that crazy for an adult to get braces, but the timing just makes it seem weird.
I have had the kids this past week. As time goes on, I am starting to realize the disconnect between my daughter and W. D does not seem to want to spend time with W at all. She never wants to go there when its her time to be with her. Son says W is frustrating sometimes, but that he gets along with her ok. My sons 15th bday is today making this a busy week for us. Last Friday both kids had sporting events that I had to pick them up from. Saturday son had a sand volleyball tournament all day, and daughter had fencing lessons. Since sons bday was today and he had school and then another volleyball match, I was going to try and do fun stuff with him on Sunday for his bday. On Saturday night I found out that one of my friends daughters (15 years old) committed suicide a couple of days ago. She hung herself and her sister (17 years old) found her. It was devastating news. I have not spent a lot of time with them recently, but our kids played together as babies and we would watch eachothers kids from time to time. Her funeral service was Sunday. Even though there were lots of friends and family there, he asked me to speak at the funeral. So, I had a few hours to prepare something to say on Sunday morning. I made my kids breakfast and tried to be up beat and fun (it was sons bday celebration day) and then took them to my sisters to hang out with family while I went to the funeral. W went to the funeral, although not with me. I did not realize when my friend asked me to speak that I was the only friend he asked. It was an honor. I also read a poem. W was pretty emotional. We hugged and she was sweet.
After the funeral I went back to get my kids and had to try and switch back in to happy bday mode. Got the kids and went home to enjoy an evening together. It went well, but it was hard to stay upbeat after the emotional upheaval of a day. Today is my sons bday and I can't help think about the day he was born. My W had a natural birth with a midwife and no drugs. She was in labor for 3 days. When my son finally came, I pulled him from the womb barehanded. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. He was happy and healthy and I couldn't believe the world was trusting me with another human life. I have always been so proud of my W for that and amazed at her strength. So, with today being his birthday and after all that transpired this weekend, I have to say I am feeling a bit emotional today. Not in a bad way, but kind of in an "all over the place" kind of way. Nothing like the death of a child and your first borns birthday to rip you away from your detachment.
Now I'm getting ready to go to my sons volleyball game. Got to get my game face on cause its bday dinner after that with the in-laws. I think I'm going to need an emotional rest soon...I am exhausted!!
