Thanks folks. I appreciate the support. I'll definitely try to get out and do something.
Regarding the Stockdale Paradox, I think that confronting the reality of my situation is accepting the fact that my MR is over, that my W does not want to share her life with me and is unlikely to change her mind. Anything less than that seems to be sticking my head in the sand. Thinking that she is going to come back seems like a denial of her agency, the importance of her taking her own journey wherever that leads.
For me the hope that I cling onto is that I can heal myself and come out of this awful situation as a stronger, stabler, more self-reliant person. Hopefully, that includes an intimate relationship in the future, but most likely with someone I haven't even met yet. That is what "prevail in the end" means to me at this point.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
For me the hope that I cling onto is that I can heal myself and come out of this awful situation as a stronger, stabler, more self-reliant person. Hopefully, that includes an intimate relationship in the future, but most likely with someone I haven't even met yet. That is what "prevail in the end" means to me at this point.
THIS. Does Steve hand out medals when we reach our first DB milestone? You deserve a medal. This is progress.
You're a few months ahead of me but I can't wait until I can say this and actually mean it.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Originally Posted by Davide For me the hope that I cling onto is that I can heal myself and come out of this awful situation as a stronger, stabler, more self-reliant person. Hopefully, that includes an intimate relationship in the future, but most likely with someone I haven't even met yet. That is what "prevail in the end" means to me at this point.
THIS. Does Steve hand out medals when we reach our first DB milestone? You deserve a medal. This is progress.
You're a few months ahead of me but I can't wait until I can say this and actually mean it.
And I am here to tell you that, being ahead of both of your timelines, that you will come out stronger, more stable, and self-reliant. Focus on your personal healing journey and let the past be in the past. Revisit it only to excavate your strengths and weaknesses to gain more clarity so that you can chart a better path forward. Y'all got this!
So I confirmed with the leader of the bike-camping trip early last week that the OM was going, and then let her and others know the next day that I couldn't make it (I didn't say why, but it was obvious.) But on Thursday I got a message from her and another biking friend that I should go on the camping trip, and she let me know that OM wasn't going to go. It was really sweet. These folks were actually quite insistent that I go on the trip, and the leader even tried to help me find accommodations for my dog.
So, the upshot is that I got to go on the camping trip. It was a blast - a 20 mile ride out to an island right on the border of the state, jumping into the lake, eating trashy food, a giant bonfire with beers, and truly uncomfortable sleeping in a tent. It pretty much lived up to all of my expectations. It was a good break from the routine and a chance to spend time with friends away from it all and meet some new people as well. When I did the same trip last May just a month or so post BD my head was lost in thoughts about the sitch and the MR. This time I could see a clear difference as I was able to enjoy it for what it was, to be in the moment with these folks and really enjoy myself.
This coming weekend my parents are flying into town, so that should be nice as well. I just saw them the last week of July, but it will be good to have them around again. I have no family at all in the area, so any support is appreciated.
It's been good having the W out of town last week and this coming week. No worries about running into her at the gym or out with friends or wherever. I am still stuck in a very judgmental stage when I think about her. I want to be able to simply wish her well on her journey and accept the situation without any judgement at all. However, I do fall back onto the resentment and feeling that she really didn't put her best effort in. It's easy to curse her and the capriciousness with which she tossed aside the MR. Moving past that, I think, is a major goal for me. I'm not sure if it is just a question of time, or actively working towards that acceptance, but I know that I have to keep moving towards it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
In the words of the great LITB, "Unfortunately, the only way to the other side of this hell is through it. No shortcuts or detours. Right down the middle of this bad boy."
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I certainly understand why you would be judgmental towards her for giving up on you like this. That is 100% normal, but I also see enough strength in you to accept it for what it is. For your own sake, work to let go of that resentment.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 09/24/1802:34 AM. Reason: grammatical error
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It's good you got sometime to spend away to kick back. And you have something to look forward to with your parents. It is also good you are fully aware of the path to healing. Keep strong- Keep positive! you got this!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
At this point I really don't talk about my sitch with hardly anyone outside of this forum. In the first few months I was talking with my family and friends (not common friends, just my own) incessantly. I felt the need to constantly tell the story as I saw it, as a form of control. I was having long phone conversations on a daily basis. I don't feel the need to do that anymore, but it is good to have somewhere to come to vent, and seek support, and also just to journal and process emotions and worries. My IC is good for that as well, but there are many times that I need to share but am between appointments. This board is a lifesaver in those occasions.
For those of you more early on in your sitch, I want to say that GAL activities have been the key to whatever progress I have made. They have been so crucial in establishing my own life, apart from the MR, and breaking free of the codependency that I suffered. At first I was doing them while still constantly thinking about the W and the MR, but I forced myself to keep doing them anyway. Now, my thoughts will occasionally wander back to the sitch, but it is no longer the default state. Being active, being around friends, being in nature, sharing good food and conversation - those are the things that fill me up. Reclaim your own life, your own sense of self by going out in the world and being active and engaging with it.
Ovrnbw, acceptance is the key. Accepting the things that I cannot change, which is just about everything outside of my attitude and practices. It has been a journey just to accept my own imperfections, and accept my story and own it. When you think your life is one way but it turns out that it isn't that is a tough transition to make. As Marlo Stanfield said, "You want it to be one way. But it's the other way." Taking that acceptance and directing it towards the W is the next step. The logical-rational side of me can say that she is on her own journey, that she is struggling and trying to do the best for her own life, but it is hard to move past the emotional response to the betrayal and rejection. I try to sit with it and feel it, but I don�t want it to curdle me, to turn me bitter. It's a delicate balance and I do struggle with it at times.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
[quote=Davide]For me the hope that I cling onto is that I can heal myself and come out of this awful situation as a stronger, stabler, more self-reliant person. Hopefully, that includes an intimate relationship in the future, but most likely with someone I haven't even met yet. That is what "prevail in the end" means to me at this point.
This also resonated with me in a major way. I'm getting there, but the bumps hit me hard. I'm naturally a strong person, and it does help, but when your identify was wrapped up for over 27 years with someone else, it's tough to break out of missing the familiarity of the routine. *sigh*
