Anxiety lurking deep. The urge to pursue W is there constantly, some worse than others. The feeling is also a roller coaster ride. I want the companionship. I miss it. I think about calling the provider but then realize almost immediately that it's a bad idea. I toy with the idea of posting a personal ad for a casual encounter, but then I realize that it's also a bad idea. So I'm still stuck in this limbo, but that's to be expected when traversing a journey that is as difficult as this one. I don't know how long I want to stay in this position. I still have a date in mind of finality of my living sitch if I'm still stuck in this limbo. That being said, the slow and calculated steps I'm making with my W is being received fairly well. If I continue to see progress I will move my date further out. But, I also feel that if she is plotting to make OM her future partner, I am going to make my decision sooner. I hope that it does not come to that. I really do not. But I do not control that.
My W is also noticing of my conscious detachment from her. She still asks how I'm doing, but it's not as often. Maybe twice or three times per week. I do not know if she caught on to my plan of letting her go, but I also know that it does not matter because I'm making the changes for me, not her. When I'm GAL without D4, contact is very little. With D4 it's a little more. I take what I can get. Some days are going to be better than others. I just don't want to slide backwards in terms of progress towards R, if that is happening in the background.
I know I'm better off now than I was 50 days ago. I feel it. I'm making the changes to me permanent and it's showing in my thoughts, my behaviors, my attitude, and my actions. I'm starting to be ever more confident in myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm carrying myself as such. I do not know if that will be validated by women who interact with me, but I know the other way of pity and self-sorrow in an attempt for attraction was not working at all.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm physically lonely and I'm craving that mutual touch and the urges to pursue that feeling in hopes of relief is growing daily, but I do not know what constructive way I can get it without consequence (pursuit, risk of issues, harassment, etc.). There has to be a way to vent that frustration safely. There needs to be...right?
However I get out of this, I know I cannot go through this again. The scars of this sitch will last a lifetime. The pain from this will likely never go away. The nightmares will continue.
All because I took the marriage for granted.
Painful, painful lesson. And I'm reminded of the pain constantly.
