I don't have any celebrity status, I can assure you that! In fact I didn't even have the courage or strength to post here right after BD, and so I commend all of you here that are willing to put yourselves out there and share your vulnerabilies. I think I am more an example of someone who took a long time to start following the rules and I have an H that returned nonetheless. I actually think he would have anyways, and that is important to note because there are some of us (many) who DB very well and for a long time and their S unfortunately never returns. There are also cases (like mine) where we didn't do a good job and the S still does return. We have a lot less control than we might think we do.
I am sorry you are still struggling so much. I can completely relate to that. You read IMO as I felt back 4 years ago. I appreciate all your posters and the advice you are getting. I am just concerned because I feel like some of you are losing site of the bigger picture. You are still completely focused on him and his every action. Please read my last post again: this doesn't serve you at all and it only holds you back. You are saying that you "DB well" in the sense that you are acting pleasantly detached in your interactions with him, however that is really not what is most important. What is important is YOU.
The most important thing is that you are learning to stop-thought, are letting go of your unhealthy attachment to him, and that you are putting yourself and your daughter's needs first. You need to take a giant step back and simply start to accept the reality, even if it hurts: he is leaving you, he is having an affair, and there is nothing you can do to stop him or win him back. It seems your only focus right now is if you can show him you are detached (when you are not) and you continue to try and find meaning in everything he does and says. You cannot measure success right now. It takes a LOOONNNNGGG time to get results because he is on his own path. It can be many months or even years. We cannot measure this or know this now. He is on his own path. You want to control that (by showing him you are letting go) and that is not the point.
So please stop torturing yourself. And no, he is not gaslighting you or doing things to affect you. That is ridiculous. Gaslighting means to intentionally manipulate someone as a form of cruelty. He is not doing anything to you intentionally: he is not processing his actions or even trying to measure the affect on you. He is more than likely in crisis mode and you are responding in a way that is further confusing to him, thus fueling his anger. Look, his focus right now is not on you or on your M at all. He is trying to avoid and escape his M. Most likely his focus is on running away and pursuing some fantasyland with OW or simply his desired freedom. It sounds like he may have some issues with drinking too and that is concerning too.
I have to run back to work. Please, please stop thinking about him and what/why he is doing. You will never win and it is only delaying your healing and actually being able to start a detachment process. You cannot fake this or trick him. You have to let go, and focus on you, and this has to be real. This could take a long, long time, but you can take a first step now, it is never too late.
A strong and healthy woman does not want a man that lies, cheats and leaves hid family. Please, stop for a moment and let this sink in. Then, start finding your strong and healthy self.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
