Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[LoneWlf]

Morning D,

Just read your update. Hope you were not negatively impacted by Florence. I feel that we are in the same boat with a WAW that his resolute in their wanting to D . I too feel bouts of being lonely even tho I have S. I'm not sure where I stand with R at this point. The fact that you have accepted your sitch and are mindful of your actions and emotions leads me to believe that are handling things the best way possible. Stay strong - stay well!!

[Davide]

Thanks LoneWlf,

I was fortunate to be spared the brunt of the storm. Just a lot of rain and a little wind, didn't even lose power. I know that people in other parts had it much worse. The W sent a quick email saying that she hoped that I and the dog were ok. The MIL also sent a message sending blessings during the storm. I didn't respond to either.

I'm now faced with a bit of an awkward situation and I am not sure what the best way forward is in order to be true to my values, brave, but also self-compassionate. I am supposed to go on a bike-camping trip this coming weekend with a group here in town. However, last night I overheard someone mention that the OM who the W is/was seeing is going on the trip as well. I could have misheard it, but I doubt it. I'd really like to go on the trip as it is a great escape from the city and I have been looking forward to it for a while, and I will have a number of friendly faces there. But I don't think I would enjoy it at all if this guy is there. It would be a small group - less than a dozen people, so it would be hard to escape him.

I don't know if the OM is aware that I am going on the trip. Nor am I sure how many of the other people on the trip know about the OM and my W (everyone knows that we are separated.) My thought is to reach out to the leader of the trip to see if she knows if he is going. Unfortunately, everything is a little disorganized and I don't think she even has a clear sense of who is going. I really don't want to show up on Saturday and then just turn around when I see this guy and cause a scene. I also have to arrange care ahead of time for my pup.

Am I being a wimp? Should I just go and say F#%k him? I feel betrayed by OM even more because we were friendly, and I had talked to him a good bit post BD before my trip (and obviously before finding out about him and the W.) I value spending time with friends, as well as exercise, and getting out in nature, so this trip is perfect for me. I also want to do more things that scare me, to stand up to my fears. But, I don't want to be miserable out there, and the thought of his face almost makes me nauseous.

I'd appreciate any advice.

[Phoenix9]

I'm now faced with a bit of an awkward situation and I am not sure what the best way forward is in order to be true to my values, brave, but also self-compassionate. I am supposed to go on a bike-camping trip this coming weekend with a group here in town. However, last night I overheard someone mention that the OM who the W is/was seeing is going on the trip as well. I could have misheard it, but I doubt it. I'd really like to go on the trip as it is a great escape from the city and I have been looking forward to it for a while, and I will have a number of friendly faces there. But I don't think I would enjoy it at all if this guy is there. It would be a small group - less than a dozen people, so it would be hard to escape him.

I don't know if the OM is aware that I am going on the trip. Nor am I sure how many of the other people on the trip know about the OM and my W (everyone knows that we are separated.) My thought is to reach out to the leader of the trip to see if she knows if he is going. Unfortunately, everything is a little disorganized and I don't think she even has a clear sense of who is going. I really don't want to show up on Saturday and then just turn around when I see this guy and cause a scene. I also have to arrange care ahead of time for my pup.

Am I being a wimp? Should I just go and say F#%k him? I feel betrayed by OM even more because we were friendly, and I had talked to him a good bit post BD before my trip (and obviously before finding out about him and the W.) I value spending time with friends, as well as exercise, and getting out in nature, so this trip is perfect for me. I also want to do more things that scare me, to stand up to my fears. But, I don't want to be miserable out there, and the thought of his face almost makes me nauseous.

I'd appreciate any advice.

Is the trip paid for? If not, make up something for yourself. If it is, can you get reimbursed or reschedule some events?

You're not being a wimp, imo. Why go on something that is supposed to be along the lines of GAL when all it will do is whip you back deep into your painful sitch? Standing up to your fears is one thing, but when I say that,I mean you're doing things like skydiving or white-water rafting, or standing up to your bully that tormented you. Going on a trip in which you may have to face him just sounds awful. I'd never go.

[Maika]

I second the above comment. GAL is about pure joy and feeling happy and alive. Don't put yourself in a situation where you will experience stress. Maybe 6 months from now, you decide that it doesn't bother you, then revisit this. But, why put yourself in a painful situation, where you want the exact opposite outcome? You're not being a wimp, but paying attention to your self-care and not putting yourself in toxic situations. Overcoming fear is one thing, but this is not that.

[burned]

I second the above comment. GAL is about pure joy and feeling happy and alive. Don't put yourself in a situation where you will experience stress. Maybe 6 months from now, you decide that it doesn't bother you, then revisit this. But, why put yourself in a painful situation, where you want the exact opposite outcome? You're not being a wimp, but paying attention to your self-care and not putting yourself in toxic situations. Overcoming fear is one thing, but this is not that.

Agree!

Be compassionate to yourself.

[ovrrnbw]

Davide,

this former "friend" is not someone you want to be around unless you're looking for a fight IMO. Have fun and do something else if he is going.

[Davide]

Yeah. I can hear the chorus, and I probably agree with you all. I am just very disappointed because I have been looking forward to it for a while and I rarely have social opportunities on the weekend. If I don't go I'll likely be eating out by myself and going to a movie or the like. Ugh.

[LoneWlf]

Hey D,

No need to let a weekend go to waste- Go do something you always wanted to do but never had the chance or surround yourself with some really close friends and relatives. My point is go GALX2 - double down on GAL this weekend. Or just use it to decompress. Anyhow- Stay positive!

[burned]

Japanese restaurant by yourself. Sit at the sushi bar. Eat some raw fish you've never eaten before (I recommend octopus sashimi to start, great texture). Have a beer or some green tea. Drink your tea mindfully. Watch them prepare all of the different rolls.

You are looking forward to the day you go to an event with W and she can't stop looking into your eyes. It doesn't matter that she doesn't like sushi. Say no to bad experiences with today's W. Say yes to sushi and to future good experiences with the W she will become.

Always remember the Stockdale Paradox: "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

Your strength comes from saying no. It's easy to say yes. Do you have it in you?

Edit: started crying after I re-read this.

[Maika]

Love the Stockdale Paradox... so powerful!