Husband cheated, left, trying to DB

[SteveLW]

So I don’t really know how to slow down the speeding divorce train that he’s driving

The answer is: YOU DON'T

The D dynamic is just like the other dynamics related to DBing. If you try to slow down that train it will make him more determined to speed it up! (Pursuit-distance, etc.)

So your goal is to ignore it. Don't try to slow it down, but don't lift a finger to help it. Make sure the printer is turned off and disconnected. When he asks about it again, tell him where it is. Make him set it up, put paper in it. Etc. HE SHOULD DO ALL OF THE D work. The only things you should do is anything that is court ordered.

Another example: When he asks you for documentation necessary, you point him to where it is. Make him go get it. "Oh, that's in the safe, here is the combination." "That is in a file in the filing cabinet. Not sure where exactly as it has been a while since I've been in there." etc.

Kech, you keep ignoring us related to talking to a lawyer. YOU NEED TO DO THIS. I was like you too. I desperately didn't want a D. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. But knowledge is power. One of the best things I did in my sitch was talk to a lawyer. It did several things:

1) Gave me the knowledge I needed for what to expect, and what the process would be. With kids involved there is no such thing as a quick D. It is a long, drawn out process. He'll have to be fully engaged all along the way. Finding this out made me realize that she likely wouldn't follow through on any of that. Your H sounds very similar to my W in that regard.

2) It helped me get over the D stigma. Actually discussing it with the L gave me a sense of power and control. I couldn't stop her from Ding me, but I also didn't have to be a innocent bystander in it either. The L asked questions and set the expectations about how the EAs affected her case. Etc.

3) It hit her with a dose of reality! When I told her a couple of weeks later that I had talked to a lawyer, I saw her confidence just sag. She realized that this was not going to be painless, and she wasn't going to get off scot-free. Lots of her dirty laundry would come out (waywardness, EAs, business/financial problems, etc). Your H has a lot to worry about there as well, so once he finds out you talked to L he'll realize that the D is going to expose his warts. And he'll also realize that his hopes of getting 50/50 custody will be slim (he left the home, he spends copious times at the local bar, etc).

4) It made her realize that I was going to be okay, no matter what. WASs bank on the fact that the LBS wants to avoid D so bad that they will agree to almost anything as concessions to "play nice". Talking to a lawyer wakes them up to the fact that you have a backbone! And that while you still don't want a D, you will do what is necessary to be okay post the D.

Do not overlook the power of 1-4. It is profound. EVERY LBS that has been threatened with D should speak to a lawyer EARLY in their sitch. It alone can help turn your sitch around.