Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[SteveLW]

I am a staunch "do not tell anyone about your sitch" proponent. First of all this is all private stuff. If you are going to discuss it with anyone you should first get your W's permission.Note, this is just my opinion. Opinions on this will vary.

The reasons I advocate this approach are:

1) It is pressure on your WAW. No way around it. Eventually, the minister would say something to her. Or her knowing he knows alone would be pressure. Remember, you are trying to remove all pressure and pursuit.

2) People's hearts are in the right place, but you will be given traditional marriage advice. IE Pursue....pressure...reconnect. The whole reason DB exists is because in the vast majority of cases that advice doesn't work. People you are close to will give you advice based on the fact that they care about you and don't want to see you hurting. "Just file for D." "Say this to her." Etc. Its better to DB and not try to incorporate advice from people to close to the sitch.

3) It makes it harder for the WAW to come back. It is hard enough for her to reconcile with you, and get past all of the things that have been said and done between the two of you. If she feels that she also has that dynamic going on with your family, and friends, and minister, and other members of the church, then it might end up being too much work, and push her to just give up.

Be very careful who you tell. sandi gave me advice early on not to "out" my WAW to the Church. That was sound advice, and I strongly suggest the LBS think very carefully before talking to people about your sitch, especially people the WAW will have a relationship in the future if your MR moves to R.