Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt5

[LoneWlf]

What i wanted to say is that things work well until she shows up and then things take a turn for the worse for S. (I did not mention that).

RR- I did not say this to her but I may have wanted to say it because it is TRUE. I regret that their is damage to their R and in the way of their reconciliation. The human part of me also feels that this selfish choice that she made has repercussions. I may be in the anger phase where I am disappointed for my W for making such a selfish decision which is based solely on her being happy. I am mad because my S has to live with this broken family when he had no choice in the matter.

I did some reflection. While she was here, my W walked around for about 7 months like nothing was wrong for most part. Any time S would ask her a question about mom and dad she would deflect and not answer. I told her she was going to loose S if she kept on her continuing her ways. I even said to her once you have a child you no longer get to play the "Me first " or "Poor me " card because the child becomes your first priority.

I've even looked at the 5 languages of love again. First of all words of encouragement- when we began and well into the relationship she was outwardly positive. I felt she had my back in the last 2-3 years I felt I was always on the defensive getting attacked. Not much positives in the end.

Second, quality time- at first and thru most of the R we spent our time doing things together. It was a joy and a pleasure. When our S came along we focused on him but we would still have family time and go to bed together. Near the end she went to bed later and she always woke up about 2 hours after me and then she wanted 30-45 minutes to read her Nora Roberts romance novels. And our day would not start until she got her own time.

3rd - acts of kindness. This list is so uneven now that I think about but it stems from my NGS. This list goes from going to clearing her car off of snow and ice , car maintenance, going to pick her up , going to the bank for her, picking up her prescription drugs, filling up her tank with gas, picking up feminine hygiene products for her and much more. On a side note I worked shift - so on days that I was off I would often make lunch dates with her. Either make lunch from scratch or bring lunch. We would have it outside on a blanket and then go for a walk after. When S was off I would bring him and the dog with me also. Now I would do this probably 3-4 times every year till the end ( often times hearing from my W how the other women in the office were jealous). Not once did my wife offer or bring me lunch when I was at work. In regards to getting anything in return the only times she would do something for me was if I was deathly ill or could not do it myself ( now I know I do not take help easily) . My point here is that in 20 years I can think of maybe 10 things she has done - most of it because I was unable to do it myself.

Fourth the gifts part. I took pride in my gift giving often times making things and planning things to the extreme. I really looked for that glimmer in my W eyes that it hit home. I did everything from poetry, to mix tapes and CDs to concert tickets, Hand made keepsakes,personalized photo collages, Memorabilia album, Family portraits, to planning family outings for anniversaries, I went as far as surprising my W with a birthday party when her Mom and Dad are 4 hours away , Brother and his wife are 6 hours away, Sister and boyfriend are 10 hours away but mange to get them to my place for a surprise, theater tickets, overnight and weekend getaways. This is the extent that I went to make sure she was happy. Back then I was a 250 lbs jock- happily into my sports - I noticed at one time that my W would often keep her nails well kept( never went to get a mani pedi but grew her nails and kept them well). After noticing this for a while with a birthday coming up - I got her a nail art kit with video instructions ,brushes , polish, trimmer tools files, beads , and various things she could do with her nails. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. She did all sorts of funky designs had beads and tye dye effects. Too add to that -having an artistic flair myself I even painted hand designs on her nails and she would brag to her co workers. This is the extent that I would go to make sure that she was happy. In 20 years I can think of 5 gifts total.

Last was physical touch. My W loves to hug and gives heartfelt hugs for that matter. In terms of the libido scale she was on the lower end far lower than me. This was a bone of contention. I was always primed and ready she was not tonight a with some excuse or other. I could probably count on one hand the amount of time she initiated in the last 5 years. I also know now (from my T) that sex should not be used as measurement of how relationships work( It does play a big part). I felt cheated in this department - feeling like I did back flips in the other departments and pretty much put my wife on a pedestal. Near the end I just felt that she just gave up and quit.

Now I get that this is only one side of the story. The key elements being that there was no beating cheating or abuse. Things that were done by me were with LOVE to create memories and feelings of Love. This is why I may be holding on to the anger - the fact that i would have moved heaven and earth for her and for her to push our R to the side like it was nothing. Add to the mix how hurt my S is and maybe that is why i felt like saying she has a detrimental effect on S.

As to where I am now- I still do not know what I want. Can this be saved? Is there too much damage? Maybe there is someone better suited for me. No matter what- I need to be the best me possible for me and S . I still want to honor my covenant and commitment but I am truly torn because I know that I deserve much more than this.

For those that believe and pray - I appreciate your prayers and know that I pray for all that are here also . Blessings!