I am preparing myself, thanks LITB. I truly DB in front of my H more than I think I convey on here. When I am typing here, I am fearful, I am heartbroken, I am scared of everything that’s coming my way. I am divulging my deepest fears and feelings here because I am not able to divulge them to him. My former best friend. My husband. The one who is now breaking my heart and turning our world upside down.
When I am around him I am calm, I am upbeat, I am polite, I pull away a bit, I play with the baby and smile, I don’t start any serious conversation. When I am not with him I do not reach out. When he reaches out I tell you guys in here and I think about my responses. I express my fears SO much in here because it is the safest place for me to do so. I do not want a divorce in any way shape or form, I am terrified of it and I am terrified of the custody issues that come with it. I think these are most likely normal fears from anyone in this position. I did not step out on my husband, I did not fall out of love with my husband. He did these things to me, he now wants to discuss divorce and he now wants me to share my time with our child because he no longer wants the life we planned together. It is scary, heartbreaking, terrifying, earth shattering. I have a 6 month old baby With the love of my life and am in a part of my life where I should be happier than ever and my life is crumbling around me.
All I want to do is text my husband right now and say, come over. Let’s not talk. Just come over and lay with me. Hold me and tell me we will figure this all out. And if it wasn’t for this forum, I would probably do that. And he prob would have a week ago. But with DBing I am finding he is very angry with me. Yes, this affects me because if someone is being blatantly rude to you every single day, it is going to affect you. Detached or not. No, I’m not detached but I’m working my a** off to get there. I woke up at 6am, got myself and my 6 month old ready for Church. Went to church, came home, left the baby here with H all day while I went out and GAL. An hour of the day I sat in my car and read DR.
What I am saying is that I really do come on here and I vent and I cry and I spin out and I probably sound crazy, but it is because I truly want to do this. I take everything you guys suggest, I think about it, and I try to put it to use. Hell, my husband went from living here to not living here in a matter of 5 minutes because someone suggested I tell him to let me see his phone or he leaves. And I did just that and he left. As he should have. I am struggling right now because I feel like the anger my husband is showing me is in a large portion to me ignoring it, acting like I don’t see how rude he is being. I am DBing and he is becoming angrier and angrier and it is leading us straight to divorce on a fast track. So I just wish there was a way to send this out to the masses on these boards and see if anyone has had a h react this way with SUCH anger. Or maybe I am seeing it all wrong.
His anger is not deflecting me from dB, it is just concerning me as far as divorce and custody are concerned because I can see him letting his anger take us down a path of pure destruction. And that is a horrible feeling when I feel like i Just want to say to him to calm down. Take a breath. I’m still me. I’m still here. I’m not out enjoying myself, I’m miserable, so stop being so angry!
I know that would get me nowhere, I’m just confused and afraid because this is SO against all instincts. All I want to say to him every time I see him is “what is wrong? Why are you SO angry with me?” But I know I can’t.
Our next discussion will be discussing the dissolution this week. And I will tell him again, I do not want a divorce, but I will not stand in your way. I am preparing myself for this as best I can. I literally feel like I would be handling all this like a champ if the looming thought of divorce wasn’t constantly held over my head by him. I am doing ok living alone. I am doing okay not looking at social media, not going by the bars, trying to get through my days. And then he throws in a curve ball like divorce or custody and I fall apart. I wish I knew if he meant it. “Believe none of what they say” I get, but I have to prepare for this because he is repeatedly stating it and is this week. Anxiety is at an all time high. Please send positive vibes my way. Thanks!
