Woke up early again, coincidentally in time for morning prayers. Got those done and now journaling.
I go home in a few hours and I don't want to. I know I have to though. W contacting me has been very meager. Yesterday I got a total of four text messages. I replied in total with four words. I'm thinking ahead to the upcoming week and weekend. I have nothing planned as of this time. Maybe it will be housework, but I do know that I need to get out of the house. I want to have another weekend in which I don't burst into tears.
Progress has been achingly slow. I question constantly whether it is progress in regards to R. The longing and hoping is there, but I have very little to build on in terms of it.
I'm constantly reading the Detachment thread so that I can continue to work on it as I feel it's very difficult. Whether it's been 49 days or 130, the process has been crawling. I'm still thinking of W and OM. I'm thinking of her going to the con with her friend and I get bothered by the thought that she will introduce OM to her friend there, hence the reason why she can't go with my D4 and me. I question whether her suggestion of me flying down to my family for Thanksgiving is her plotting to introduce OM to her family. I don't know. It swarms my mind and it's hurting me.
What I can say is that the last 49 days there have been no arguments or heated discussions of our sitch. DBing is now a conscious thought and action process. The clarity of this process is becoming sharper by the day. GAL is taking the lead of this process. 180 is second.
I'm still haunted by the events three weeks ago. I'm kicking myself for snooping. I should have known better. The snooping set me way back in terms of my emotional healing. It triggered a depression that I never thought I would have to encounter again. I keep asking myself if I will ever fall in love again. I long for intimacy and the lack of it hurts immensely.
I know I'm a lot more confident in who I am as a person and I'm carrying myself as such. I feel like a battle-worn solder who is living to fight another day. Morale goes up and down constantly and that wears me out.
Saw myself in the mirror and noticing the changes in my body. Good changes. I'm continuing the process of loving my body again and treating it the way it deserves.
