Thank you Gordie and DnJ, I really appreciate the replies. DnJ, no need to apologize, I've followed your threads but haven't posted much either. I'm glad my posts have helped, I've gained a lot from yours as well.
Thank you for reminding me the affairs are a symptom and about what she said. Things she told me really made no sense, much of the time she would say one then then the opposite.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Kyh
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.
Oh that is so true. Our self confidence gets such a smack down at BD, and then everything they say just compounds and crushes it further, and the affairs really stir it all around.
It is ok to feel dumb, or maybe unsure. I like unsure better, I do not consider you dumb in any aspect so from my viewpoint unsure is more accurate.
I found that I felt very unsure of people’s feeling and motives until I got my confidence back and started to believe in myself again.
I get that you are unsure, shy, and fearful of rejection. You know what, we all are, I am, and this lady you talk to probably is also. The idea that she is just being nice because she works in a store and is expected too be, is your fear talking and feeding justification for not proceeding further.
You have lived through something terrible and painful, there are going to be some scars and freshly healed wounds. You also have survived this, you really have little to fear, and when you see just where you are and who you are, you will be confident.
If you decide not to proceed or ask her for a date that is absolutely fine. Just do not let fear make that decision for you.
For what it’s worth, and from a guy who hasn’t dated in 30 years. You both know each other’s birthdays, she knows you are divorced, and she asks about son every now and then. She is interested.
I also agree with Gordie - you should ask her if she would like to have a cup of coffee. If you are ready for that.
I have many people recommending I date. I still choose not too. For myself I do not want to break anyone’s heart due to me not being ready. That of course is a an academic discussion since I am standing and still married. However looking at the possibility of dating did help clarify reasons and beliefs for me standing. It also showed me I could stand down someday and be fine.
I do not know where you are with respect to that, I think you are further along than me.
Kyh, I think you are doing really well. Like always do what is best and right for you.
DnJ
Thank you for this! It really does help. I have also had people recommend I date but I knew I wasnt ready before. I know exactly what you are saying about not breaking someone's heart and I told myself I wouldn't date until I knew I wouldn't put myself in a situation of having to choose between someone and ex if she tried to come back after I were dating someone and it was going well. I thought a lot about it and I'm there. I really can't see ex changing.
When I wrote about ex texting me she had introduced the kids to her bf and something in me changed it really did feel like a shift inside me, I think it was my door closing.
