Back Again

[Shrike]

I am going to try and tell a bit of my story. Which will most likely come out all over the place and not seem clear at all.

I know a lot of this will seem super obvious to you all and that I will seem a fool, I believe I am. So please spare me the criticism's unless its purely constructive. I hope to share it and at least get some of this out so that I can process it. Maybe see things from a different perspective and get some clarity with everyone help.

We separated back in 2015 for about 6 months, at that time she was having her 4th emotional affair. Which was the first to turn physical. I had moved on completely and she sensed it and asked me to come back almost immediately. I know now that I let her back to easily. Things warned against on this forum where ignored by me, because I had gotten what I wanted. We had no counseling, there was no apology from her, there was a vague promise to never do it again. There was no transparency, in fact I never really fully trusted her to this day. We had our second child on the way less than two months after getting back together. So not even the proper piecing and work to rebuild our relationship was done.

I think its safe to say, I set myself up for failure and shouldn't really be surprised that I am where I am now.

So down the same road we went, I slipped back into my old depressed self dealing with work/school and new baby. I think I did the opposite of what this book and this board preaches along every step of the way. Because I thought this time was different. She starts waitressing nights at a bar... full of single/divorced people. Makes a lot of ''friends'' there
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I do'nt think I need to go into detail the conversations I'm sure where had. Her old resentments for me came back. We did the dance we were already so good at. Old arguments resurfaced, I again was to blame for everything wrong in her life.

March comes and she tells me she wants to separate. She asks me to move out. I agreed, but don't find a place until May. Part of me was sick of her and wanted out, so I went along with it without much of a fight. I halfheartedly tried to convince her otherwise. But there was a lot of fights during the initial few months.

Most of June we do not talk, I do not really remember it.

Something wakes up in me in July, a love for her that I have not felt in a very long time. I very much am willing to do anything to make this work. She seems receptive to this. We go on a few dates. I say that I am ok with living apart and working on each other like this, as long as there are no other men. She states that she see's herself as single, and only married by law on paper, because she is not ready for that step. (this should have been a pretty big red flag for me...) She however assures me there are none. But, she also says that she doesn't trust me, that she is afraid this is all a show to get me back, and that I soon as I have her again, I will fall back into my old unexciting, unmotivated, self hating state of mind. Which to be honest, is entirely possible, I know that I am responsible for not being that person, I do not want to be that person, and I am working to change that actively. I do not blame her for feeling like that.

We start sleeping with each other again. We are talking a lot, getting a long like we haven't in years. She does bring up past resentments a lot. Says she is angry with me and cannot get over it. Is hot and cold and all over the place emotionally. We would sleep together but then she would not talk to me for a week. It is emotionally and mentally draining, However I think things are going ok, we are at least communicating so I am ok with all of this. But something does not seem quite right. This continues from mid july until basically last week, when she falls asleep on the couch after inviting me over.

I look through her phone and find what maybe I was expecting. But also more. Her conversation with her one very close female friend (whom I have to come to learn is what I am now defining as a tinder/working girl) , is almost a mind blowing insight into the state of her mind. She talks about things with her that I would never had imagined her even thinking about. It is like a completely different person. She is basically learning from her ''friend'' how to juggle men and be ''paid'' for it in dinners, rent, gifts, vacations etc... I really dont even know how to go into detail about this conversation, that goes back all the way to early 2017. It has everything, stuff like, they send nudes to each other, and decide which is the best to send to certain guys. I dont even know anymore. Ill stop there about that, im sure some of you know where that rabbit hole goes.

I believe now, that this is just the type of person that she is. I think that as soon as our relationship gets a little tough, or she gets bored, or just wants attention, really any of number of probable reasons, is when she looks outside the marriage for attention from other men. I no longer know if she is capable of changing this.

She does not see herself as having a problem. There is always something that I've done or not done that she uses to justify her decisions. But maybe there is no longer a problem for her. Maybe this is how she wants to live her life.

Crazy universal spin on everything, is that I still find myself in love with her, or at least who she was, or who she could be

I know I am not willing to be a part of all of that. I have no clue how or even if she would ever give it up. I dont feel like even the thought of losing me is enough to pull her out of it.

My plan? I dont really know. I know that I cannot focus on her and what she is doing. I have no control of that. And have no expectations about what she is going to do.

I know I need to focus on myself and my kids and just take my life from there step by step. Time to do a bit of soul searching maybe.

Thank you to anyone who reads, shares or has input.