Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

LoneWlf,

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. Your words of encouragement mean a lot because you know where I am coming from.

Nicole,

Thanks for chiming in. And thanks for the compliments on the writing. It's always nice to hear positive feedback, even from strangers on the internet. As a teacher much of what I hear is negative.

It is indeed difficult to dig out of depression when you are alone. On the positive side, I have really learned to appreciate the times that I can share with friends, and the conversations I have with family on the phone. Last night, after a group bike ride I was sitting in the patio of a bar with a group of friends, and I was 100% cognizant of what a beautiful moment I was living. In the past I might have worried about my classes today, or whether or not someone there didn't like me, or any of a million other things, but last night I was just so happy to be surrounded by friendly faces. That is one of the advantages of the solitary lifestyle I have been living. It also leaves a lot of time for introspection, meditation, and mindfulness.

I am very enticed by the possibility of dating, and loneliness is a factor in that. I would appreciate more social contact, and I am also at a point in my life where I would like to start a family sooner rather than later. I know that I have an advantage in that regard as a man, but I don't want to be in my 50s with a toddler either. What is holding me back at this point is not the MR, in my mind that is over, but rather my own lack of progress. I don't want to be unfair to another person by starting something that I am not ready for.

I really don't think that time or space is really a factor for my sitch or my W. My W has been resolute and consistent since the moment of BD. She isn't crazy or a WW. She simply decided that she didn't want to continue with the MR any more. She doesn't blame me, but she also has no desire in returning to a MR. I don't see that changing. Ever. Perhaps that is a bit overly dramatic, but I really don't see R as a goal in the future. I do think that the age difference played a role. My W moved directly from her parents' place to living with me at age 24, and never really lived a single, independent life. That combined with a fair amount of codependency on both ends curdled what was an otherwise great relationship. She always was ambivalent or opposed to having children, and I think part of that was related to fear of being tied down and losing her independence. She has never been one to be rash, or immature, or make reckless decisions, so I don't think she has made this one like that either. I suppose at some point she might reach a stage in her life when she values being in a MR more, but I doubt that it would be with me, nor do I think it is coming any time soon.

Honestly I don't know about waiting. At this point I don't know that I even want to wait the required one year of separation before filing. Evidently, so long as both parties agree, no one even checks if that requirement is made. I am thinking that I might approach W in Dec. or Jan to broach the subject. The only thing we have to decide on is the division of assets (savings and the house.) I am fairly confident that we can resolve those things amicably enough without the need to involve lawyers or mediators.

It is interesting that you talk about moving across the country and catching the attention of your husband. I am likely to leave the city I am in at the end of the school year. I have few connections here, and I prefer to live in larger metropolitan areas. None of my family is here, and I don't particularly like my position. I am lucky as an educator that I can work pretty much everywhere. I don't know if I would even tell my W where I am going. I have little desire to hear from her, and our lives are more or less completely separate at this point anyway. A fresh start is really appealing. The only drawback is financial as my current mortgage is SOO far below any other mortgage or rent that I could get in another city (and I do love my tiny 800 square foot house!) So, I need to consider that.

In any case, it is time to bunker down and hope no trees fall on my house from the hurricane!