Husband cheated, left, trying DB 3

[SteveLW]

kech, you also asked me a couple of questions that I never got to. One was how long after I started getting good at detachment did my W start moving back to the MR. I believe that was your question.

Unfortunately, there is not a straight forward answer to that question. First detachment is a process, not a light switch. As you get better at it, the WAS definitely notices, and they can react in several different ways. My W would start asking me if anything was wrong. I was always quick to say "No, not at all!" Very upbeat and friendly to let her no there was nothing wrong. But she could sense, as LITB said, that I wasn't reacting the same way to her words and actions.

Slowly, as you get better and more consistent at DBing, you start to see changes in the WAS. In my case my W started to become less distant. She started to rebel less against the MR. She started to talk about a combined future again. I remember her saying "We should have the -soandsoes- over. They are really nice people." I remember being shocked. Like "a while ago you didn't even want to live here and now you are talking about entertaining in our home!"

For me from BD to full R, it was about 3 months. 12 weeks roughly. And again that was with me getting better at detachment, which drew her closer and closer in. However, I've written in my threads extensively how my case was a bit of a difference. First I initiated BD. My best guess is that she was 3-6 months away from initiating BD herself, based on what I've seen with other sitches. I think my catching it early helped in that there was still quite a bit of her committed to the MR than some others that end up here. If that commitment is depleted over time the way I think it is, I caught it before she was at full blown "I WANT OUT" mode. If most WAS initiate BD after getting down to 5% commitment left, she was probably at about 20%.

This meant there was less work and less time necessary for her to come back to the MR. If another 3-6 months went by I would guess that she would have taken 2-4 times as much time to eventually come back to the MR. So instead of 3 months it could have been more like a year. However, every sitch and WAS is different. Some never come back, some take a very long time and even after D to come back. Some take a shorter amount of time (like my W).

The other thing that complicates my sitch was my W's March b-day turning 50. This was constantly mentioned in the 13 weeks from BD to her b-day. "I am going to be 50!" Like it was the end of the world and if she wasn't working, moved out and in the process of D by that date then her life would be over. Once her bday arrived and she saw that it really wasn't that big of a deal, she was ready at that point to turn back to the MR in full.

I know you are looking for hope. And you are wanting to see signs. But I got expert advice in those first few weeks and one thing that really hit home to me, as it came from multiple anti-divorce sources, was that she would come back to the MR WHEN she decided to. And nothing I could do would speed that up or make it happen. And unfortunately that is what all LBSs have to face.