Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt5

[RR17]

LW, you should know by now that I mean what I say and say what I mean. lol

What if you make your self scarce?

Based on your descriptions I think she is not really there just to clean or sort or whatever. What do you think?
It may be part of the reason, but there seems to be unfinished business but I don't know if I'm miss-reading this.

What if you left her there alone?

[LoneWlf]

Thanks RR- I know you mean what you mean- lol. Thinking this thru - I had asked her to let me know when she wanted to come by for anything because I asked for her house key back. I know my S will be home at that time but he wants nothing to do with her at this moment and I do not want to force that issue. I also stated in a previous post why I think she is coming over- I think it is mostly to see S. Clean out junk so we can move forward and sell the house because it is in both names and last- she may be checking up on me( who knows?). If I were to leave part way thru - it would put W with S alone. But knowing S he would get upset at me because I left him there. Now I know a R between them would be a good thing even open the door to more communication in the future but do I chance this now that I have a solid R with S? All opinions welcomed. Thanks again for your continued support!

[RR17]

IDK, still sound like you are interfering with their R.

That's not why I suggested that you might leave.

If you did decide to leave, I would let S know in advance. Disclose and that's it.

[LoneWlf]

RR- I'm trying my best to stay out of the way. When W came over last time I was at the other end of the room - S did not want anything to do with her. He just blockaded him self with the kitchen chairs and put tape around like a crime scene.

Now I've been at times slow - but the reason you want me to leave is to GAL and to show her that life goes on with out her. Not sure how that would work because we go thru things together . Wedding gifts- Christmas stuff- S keepsakes and we divide up the items we both want to keep.

[RR17]

You do realize that you continue to use your S's feelings and your Dog's feelings (both things that only you can fully understand) to justify your actions and now you are telling us the thoughts behind my statement?
You justify Triangulation because your S feels a certain way.

Now I only hear your side of this story, and even so, it sounds abusive.

Do you really want half the wedding gifts and Christmas stuff if you are going to be D? The crap in the basement? Really?

LoneWLF, if what you've been doing is moving you toward D, isn't it time to try something different?

Unless D is what you want, in that case why not just facilitate it?

Before you justify your actions by repeating how the other legs of these triangles think and feel, ask your self this: What do I really want, and is what I'm doing moving me closer or further away from this goal.

BTW, no, the reason I suggested that you consider leaving is not to GAL. If it was, I would have said that.

[LoneWlf]

Unless D is what you want, in that case why not just facilitate it?

Thank you RR for your valued input.RR-You ask a pertinent question. At this point I'm not sure what I want. For sure I would not take back W in her current emotional, spiritual, mental and physical state. I feel she's got a lot of work to do here. I'm also seeing that W has been consistent in her words and actions to separate and D so it may definitely happen. I'm definitely not going to be doormat and stick around waiting for someone who has said that they want me out of their life. But there is a strong element forgiveness and commitment that weighs heavily on me. Wanting a TRUE family for my S is also part of the equation but not even sure if he even wants that now. I guess there are a lot of things to be addressed before even thinking about R. At this point my focus is on S and I and to be the best dad possible.

[LoneWlf]

Journaling

fun tidbit- today i tried on my S pants size 31 waist and they fit!! HAHAHA now i'm smaller than I was in high school!

Did my morning routine and went to they gym. A nice lady I new said she was having a birthday party at her house and invited me to come. I know she has a man and this is a very nice gesture but I will decline. Had an interview with a company that I spoke to a month back and did an online assessment with. Interview went well.
Met up for lunch with a buddy going thru same thing he has a WW and she moved out and moved back in.
Went for a 1 1/2 hour bike ride turned into 2 because of a flat tire.
Got home had dinner informed S that W is coming over. We finished up and he used the chairs again to block contact.
W came over. Now I know men a visual creatures but my W comes in with an old shirt from a place she worked at 20 years ago and this shirt has holes and is also bleached from being used to go swimming. She is also swearing her BIG jeans.I notice that she is wearing her grandmothers family ring (I was there when her sister gave it to her). Her hair just cut boyish and just nothing done. Anyhow she is not a pretty site.
She came in looked over to S saw the chairs and then started by heading downstairs. We went thru more stuff. got rid of a lot of junk. Just like before she would take stuff just because it was stuff she MAY use. I good with that because it is less things I need to go thru and throw away. We went thru cook books - I kept the ones I use. In between cleaning she asks about about job hunting. I said it is going ok - I have an offer from a start up company. She also makes some jokes here and there just keeping it light. Later on she says we need to talk about selling the house? I said "I 'm ok with selling- I need to get a job and settle in first" . She did not reply.
She then asks me how S is doing in school? - I gave her brief positive responses. Then it looks like she wants deeper explanations. To which I have no issues and this is her child so I give her details on his progress. Conversation is going well. No drama no negatives. Then she asks in detail how his baseball went so I give her in detail what she wants. Later she asks how things are going with me and S at home. I plainly stated that things are going good - over the course of this situation we have learned to communicate and listen to each other better to each other. What i wanted to say is that things work well until she shows up and then things take a turn for the worse for S. (I did not mention that).
2 hours later shes says that is all her car will take- so she proceed to head upstairs to bring things to the door. Again I make myself scarce. She finishes and yells over to S- I'm leaving bye! he doesn't flinch. She says to me we can do this again next week? I said I will check my plans . She says have a good nite- I say ok bye!

Again - simple interactions no R talks. But definitely no sparks either way. Sparks in terms of my heart going pitter patter - I miss her and no sparks meaning no friction no drama. Time to focus on me and being the best dad!

[NicoleR]

Lonewlf, I'm glad to hear you're progressing and maintaining a positive mindset. I have to admit the collaborative basement organizing process with your wife sounds difficult to me. I don't think I'd be able to do it without breaking down. I'd probably just say "take what you want" and avoid contact but it'll be interesting to see where your approach leads you!

[RR17]

...What i wanted to say is that things work well until she shows up and then things take a turn for the worse for S. (I did not mention that)....

Why did you want to say this? Think about it. Do you want to hurt her? Do you regret that there has been damage to their relationship?

Do you want to stand in the way or assist in bridging their reconciliation?

Do you think that what you would really like to say, has an underlying effect on how you interact with W?

I ask these questions in good conscious because I honestly think you need to consider your answers. I'm sure you have realized that I am not a "tell you all you want to hear" kind of person. This does you no good.
I try to be the "tell you what you need to hear."

[LoneWlf]

What i wanted to say is that things work well until she shows up and then things take a turn for the worse for S. (I did not mention that).

RR- I did not say this to her but I may have wanted to say it because it is TRUE. I regret that their is damage to their R and in the way of their reconciliation. The human part of me also feels that this selfish choice that she made has repercussions. I may be in the anger phase where I am disappointed for my W for making such a selfish decision which is based solely on her being happy. I am mad because my S has to live with this broken family when he had no choice in the matter.

I did some reflection. While she was here, my W walked around for about 7 months like nothing was wrong for most part. Any time S would ask her a question about mom and dad she would deflect and not answer. I told her she was going to loose S if she kept on her continuing her ways. I even said to her once you have a child you no longer get to play the "Me first " or "Poor me " card because the child becomes your first priority.

I've even looked at the 5 languages of love again. First of all words of encouragement- when we began and well into the relationship she was outwardly positive. I felt she had my back in the last 2-3 years I felt I was always on the defensive getting attacked. Not much positives in the end.

Second, quality time- at first and thru most of the R we spent our time doing things together. It was a joy and a pleasure. When our S came along we focused on him but we would still have family time and go to bed together. Near the end she went to bed later and she always woke up about 2 hours after me and then she wanted 30-45 minutes to read her Nora Roberts romance novels. And our day would not start until she got her own time.

3rd - acts of kindness. This list is so uneven now that I think about but it stems from my NGS. This list goes from going to clearing her car off of snow and ice , car maintenance, going to pick her up , going to the bank for her, picking up her prescription drugs, filling up her tank with gas, picking up feminine hygiene products for her and much more. On a side note I worked shift - so on days that I was off I would often make lunch dates with her. Either make lunch from scratch or bring lunch. We would have it outside on a blanket and then go for a walk after. When S was off I would bring him and the dog with me also. Now I would do this probably 3-4 times every year till the end ( often times hearing from my W how the other women in the office were jealous). Not once did my wife offer or bring me lunch when I was at work. In regards to getting anything in return the only times she would do something for me was if I was deathly ill or could not do it myself ( now I know I do not take help easily) . My point here is that in 20 years I can think of maybe 10 things she has done - most of it because I was unable to do it myself.

Fourth the gifts part. I took pride in my gift giving often times making things and planning things to the extreme. I really looked for that glimmer in my W eyes that it hit home. I did everything from poetry, to mix tapes and CDs to concert tickets, Hand made keepsakes,personalized photo collages, Memorabilia album, Family portraits, to planning family outings for anniversaries, I went as far as surprising my W with a birthday party when her Mom and Dad are 4 hours away , Brother and his wife are 6 hours away, Sister and boyfriend are 10 hours away but mange to get them to my place for a surprise, theater tickets, overnight and weekend getaways. This is the extent that I went to make sure she was happy. Back then I was a 250 lbs jock- happily into my sports - I noticed at one time that my W would often keep her nails well kept( never went to get a mani pedi but grew her nails and kept them well). After noticing this for a while with a birthday coming up - I got her a nail art kit with video instructions ,brushes , polish, trimmer tools files, beads , and various things she could do with her nails. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. She did all sorts of funky designs had beads and tye dye effects. Too add to that -having an artistic flair myself I even painted hand designs on her nails and she would brag to her co workers. This is the extent that I would go to make sure that she was happy. In 20 years I can think of 5 gifts total.

Last was physical touch. My W loves to hug and gives heartfelt hugs for that matter. In terms of the libido scale she was on the lower end far lower than me. This was a bone of contention. I was always primed and ready she was not tonight a with some excuse or other. I could probably count on one hand the amount of time she initiated in the last 5 years. I also know now (from my T) that sex should not be used as measurement of how relationships work( It does play a big part). I felt cheated in this department - feeling like I did back flips in the other departments and pretty much put my wife on a pedestal. Near the end I just felt that she just gave up and quit.

Now I get that this is only one side of the story. The key elements being that there was no beating cheating or abuse. Things that were done by me were with LOVE to create memories and feelings of Love. This is why I may be holding on to the anger - the fact that i would have moved heaven and earth for her and for her to push our R to the side like it was nothing. Add to the mix how hurt my S is and maybe that is why i felt like saying she has a detrimental effect on S.

As to where I am now- I still do not know what I want. Can this be saved? Is there too much damage? Maybe there is someone better suited for me. No matter what- I need to be the best me possible for me and S . I still want to honor my covenant and commitment but I am truly torn because I know that I deserve much more than this.

For those that believe and pray - I appreciate your prayers and know that I pray for all that are here also . Blessings!