You asked me to weigh in, so I will add my 2 cents here. Please excuse my directness or any 2*4s. I see that you are getting a lot of advice here, so I am not sure how much help I can be. I am not sure if you read all of my threads, but my H also had an A and left our home for 10 months, I read here a lot then, but didn't post back then. I got better at DBing after some time, and he did end the A and return to the M. That was 3.5 years ago. It is still a challenge, and I am still working on forgiveness, and I do still wonder if our M can fully recover.
First off, I am very, very sorry for the sitch you are in, and it is much harder because you have a baby. In an ideal world, the baby would be your entire focus. The way he is behaving is deplorable and selfish! Please allow that to sink in as you long or him .... I didn't post during my post BD time (started posting 1 year into piecing) but your writing reminds me of how I felt way back then. You are panicked, spinning, and desperately grasping at straws! Please, please listen to the advice that this is not helping you, and you are slowly becoming your own worst enemy. No, this is NOT easy stuff. He will do and say all kinds of BS, so did my H, but ultimately you are in control of how much armor you put on. You may not feel that way, but you are. You get to decide how much you allow a man like that to hurt you.
You talk a lot about his cruelty and his anger. I think we have all faced this to some extent. It sounds like on some level you understand that this is HIS issue and not yours. Anger is a common reaction of the WS/WAS because it is much more convenient to blame you for anything and everything! This is a normal human protective mechanism. He can more easily justify his gross behavior is it's less his fault, right? We here understand that this is crazy, but a person trying to have an A and leave their W and baby, is not thinking so clearly. Do not give him any reason to balme you, you take that all away--no ammunition for him. You are pleasant and detached. The best way to deal with his anger, is to NOT DEAL WITH IT. Stop trying to make sense of it, because you cannot. Stop allowing it to upset you, because that gives him more power over you. Just try and accept that he is all kinds of wrong right now, and you focusing on that and HIM, will not offer you any relief. You will not be able to make sense of it and it will only make your head spin faster.
One thing I also wanted to touch on is the mind reading. You want to find meaning in his actions, his words, moods, texts, if he comes by, when he comes by, if or when he doesn't come by.... Honestly, it is exhausting just to read it all. This is more spinning and it's not serving you at all. It is just crazy making! You cannot know or understand why he is doing what he is doing, so giving this so much energy is more than a waste of time. It is self torture. You don't really know much about him and OW, so there is no point in assuming anything. You want to know what? In my sitch, I focused a lot on my H and his XOW and I did all that mindreading too. I tried to make sense of every interaction, conversation, and text message. I once saw MY car, with MY baby's carseat, parked near her place. Yes, I drove home that way by my choice. And I suffered greatly for it ....
You want to know what? My H has been back for awhile now and we have covered all the stuff. Of all the spinning and mind reading I did while he was gone, well it turns out I was only right about half the time. 50%. That is it. There was so much I didn't know was going on and going on in his mind. So think about it for a moment, all of your energy you are spending on HIM, and what he is doing, and on HER, etc, could very well be wrong. And if it is right? Well then what??? You feel terrible nonetheless. I am sorry, sweetie, but you cannot control him and you cannot change him. I promise you that. You know what you can control? 1. You and you being the better person in this equation! Rise above. It feels great. And it removes all his ability to blame you! Win-win for you.
You want to predict if he will come back and if men that have multiple As come back. Is 2 As worse than 1? Well I would say yes, absolutely. Others here say no, wayward is wayward. You see none of us can know because none of us can predict what your H will do. Here is what we do agree on. There is a lot of validity to the DB process, the teachings of MWD, and to following Sandi's rules. It may not feel natural, and it may "make him more angry" but it works. You know how it works? Because as you 180 and GAL for you (not for him or his attntion, please, move on from wearing shorts for him or texting for any reaction, that is complete nonsense) ... so as you begin to take care of YOU, and really do that over time, that is when the detachment starts. That is also when you start to see that saving yourself is FAR FAR more important than saving your M. Would the confident and strong kech really want a cheating dirtbag for an H??? ....
So the success of DBing, and finding your strength and confidence again, will happen 100% if you follow the rules and advice. If you can do this, and be patient, there is good chance that your H will see this new and improved woman and look over his shoulder. He may also realize that he was the fool to let go of you. Most As end a natural death in due time, that's just a statistic. But as others have said, you gotta put in that hard work FIRST. So start with a beginners mindset today.
Now that we have that settled, I am FAR more interested in hearing about your goals for yourself, your 180s, and your GAL. Also about your cute little baby. I am not interested in what H is doing and who that loser is banging. He doesn't deserve all of our time or attention anymore. He may come by, he may not, why even worry about it or text him at all. BE BUSY PUTTING #1 FIRST AND THAT IS YOU!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
