I found out about OW via Facebook, and today is Day 2 of me not getting on there at all. Also say 2 of me taking different roads as to not see his truck at her bar. It is doing me no good to continue doing things that cause me SUCH anxiety and hurt. I do see that now. I felt before like I needed to know things to protect myself, but at this point I know enough.
I keep going over and over in my head his anger and why it is so profound. I can’t think of the last time he behaved this angry towards me except back a year ago a few days after BD, and then maybe in between after fights but it never lasted days like this. He’s going out of his way to be rude. Is this his attempt at trying to bait me? I know yesterday ready2change said I still have him on the hook because he clearly seems concerned with what I’m wearing and if I’m seeing someone etc, but I just can’t place the anger. I know you guys want me to stop focusing on him, I guess I just wish I knew how long this anger will last and if he will really go through with our divorce discussion in a few days while he is still treating me this way. It seems very unfair, although I know all of this is unfair.
I want to detach, and I’m reading the link LITB sent. I want to DB fully, I am doing everything you guys suggest. I’m just writing on here and trying to mentally figure it all out I guess. I always try to figure out his reasoning for things bc it seems like he’s always one step ahead, behaving certain ways or doing certain things for a reason. He finally had his guard down last week, things finally felt like they were going in the right direction for the first time in a long time. Divorce wasn’t discussed, he was feeling remorse, he was making a big effort to be around. Then I find out about OW and it all blows up. Now he’s put divorce back on the table, he won’t soeak 2 words to me. It makes no sense to me.
I’m not showing him my fear for divorce, I’m not backtracking and doing anything against DBing. I guess I just would like to know in all of yalls experience on these boards, when reading about a spouse like mine, is there ever an outcome when they DO come out don the fog? Can I get him back to where he was just a few days ago by ignoring all this anger he is so clearly showing me? I’m not being cold to him, I’m being polite, I’m ignoring his anger, I’m trying to stay upbeat in his presence, and last night he leaves without so much as a bye and basically slams the door.
He wants to help around the house bc he wants me to need him still. He throws divorce at me bc he wants me to tell him that’s not what I want, so he can tell me sorry, too little too late. He wants to show me this anger so that I ask what the hell the deal is and he can tell me I’ve upset him and what IVE done wrong. I’m not giving him ANY of those reactions he wants or expects so his anger is building, it’s clouding his judgement, and he’s just going to possibly going into a divorce like that which is absurd. His maturity level is off the charts immature right now.
Steve, I may have asked you this previously, but how long did it take you DBing for your wife to want to work on things? I know I’ll have to DB for a very long time, I’m ready to do that. I can be patient if he’s willing to give me more time. I will continue doing these things in order to save myself and hopefully my marriage. I just don’t think he’s as strong as me. I think he sees it as a year has passed and we haven’t fixed things so it’s time to cut the marriage ties. But he doesn’t even realize that he has yet to truly put any work into this. Lots of “sorry” “I should have handled this so differently from the beginning” “it’s all my fault I never should have entertained another woman” all when he’s feeling remorse, but never really much action for more than a few days.
The moment I started DBing about 3 weeks ago and getting advice from you guys, I saw a big change in a matter of a week and a half to 2 weeks. And I can’t help but feel like me finding out about OW and calling him on it just really ruined it all. But common sense tells me I had no choice. I would have exploded keeping that in, and when I did bring it to his attention I handled it VERY well. His anger is misplaced and hurtful. I have never in our entire relationship let anger go on this long, we would always have fixed it by now, discussed it, let it go, moved on, and I just feel like he’s hanging on to it for dear life to either really try to bait me or to really go through with the D and play like I’m the bad guy. But his anger REALLY picked up the minute I said I agreed to D and it was ok. So really, he’s all over the map.
