3 year old EA - where do I go from here?

[Matrix5]

M,

As I stated to a poster earlier I have been on these boards for almost 4 years and can read these sitches very clearly. This is more then likely manipulation on her part to ease your mind so she can continue to cake eat.

My wife is a very social animal. She likes to have a lot of friends, especially those who like to talk as much as she does. He is like that. One big funny, talkative goofball. I spoke to him (as mentioned above), and he offered to disconnect contact with her immediately, as it is unmaterialistic to him compared to his friendship with me, our careers, and his family life. He said he is happily married, and doesn’t need any issues in his own life. I actually had to talk him out of it, because I didn’t want my wife to feel as though I’m sabotaging her social life. There’s nothing wrong if they chat on BS stuff like household issues, kids, money, politics, or just joke around. I honestly don’t care. I USED to care 3 years ago, and that’s the reason she went underground – she didn’t want to me to get pissed off, while she still believed she had the right to speak to whoever she wants. It took me a couple of years to grow a pair of balls, and realize this is not N.Korea, she’s not a dog on a leash, and I can’t tell her who she can and cannot talk to, and be friends with. It’s the chicken or the egg issue – I used to not like it, she went underground, I started snooping and suspecting, I found out, then blew out, and she went further underground.

I needed to make myself clear that unlike in the beginning, I now had zero issue with that friendship, I do have an issue with the underground part. I also made myself VERY CLEAR that if she goes underground on me again, I’m out. She promised to be open going forward. Time will tell. At the end of the day, if this marriage falls apart because she had gone underground again, I had nothing to do with it, and can walk away with a clean conscious.[/quote]

Your buddy and her will most likely take this A further underground. When a woman has built a wall around her heart over the years, the wall does not come down overnight.

The problem with him is that he is too friendly and a nice guy to tell my wife to take a hike. And if they do go underground again for whatever reason, even if there’s nothing funny going on, I walk away. Simple as that. I made it very clear to her. I will not tolerate lack of transparency.

You seem to be willing to take the blame for your M being the way that it is right now. Can I ask you what you think you did?

I really hope I am wrong but tread very lightly.

Just to name a few, in no particular order:

1) Never met her affection needs
2) Wasn’t a good listener
3) Rarely complimented her (if at all)
4) Made fun of her
5) Put my family above her
6) Let my sister get physical with her, and didn’t really do anything about it (other than telling my sister she can’t do that, which was obviously not enough)
7) Raise my voice at her
8) Talk down to her
9) Anger issues

In short, an [censored]….

I have spent the last year doing a 180, but she seems to have lost interest in me, although she says she has noticed the changes. I just need to be patient. I know that even though I’ve wronged her for 13 years, I am a new man now. If she feels that my efforts are too little, too late, just let me know now, so I don’t have to waste my time and efforts in vein on her. Someone else will benefit from the new me.