I called her from work for the usual “hi, how are you” morning call… She was upset with my tone (which was no different than any other day), and claimed she was tired of my miserable tone. I said she was just upset about an argument we had the day prior (money related). We ended the call on a bad note. When I came home, I tried talk to her to get to the bottom of what was bothering her. That didn’t go well, and I ended up spilling the beans on everything that I knew and found out. She of course tried denying everything in a dismissive way, but that’s what liars do when they can’t come with a valid answer.
I told her I was sick and tired of her lying. That at this point in our marriage the only thing I’m concerned with is working on myself, but will not allow her to do any nonsense on the side while we’re married. I said I have no problem with her talking or seeing my co-worker for drinks and chatting, but she has to be open about it. I told her lying have achieved nothing but put my imagination into overdrive, and in turn caused me to snoop around in anticipation of the worst. I tried pressing her to the corner by making sexual accusation to see if she breaks and tells me something I don’t know, but she was appalled by those, saying she was disgusted by me for even insinuating she would do anything like that. There was a clear difference in her answers and tone between denying the birthday gifts, texts, and meetings, and denying the sexual accusations. To the former, she just kept on dismissing me with “Get the F out of here” and other non-sensible dismissive answers that a liar tells when they know they got caught red handed. But when I started making accusations of her sleeping with him, she turned really pissed, appalled, and disgusted by that I would have suggest something like that. I said her own behavior was disgusting, and that if she doesn’t come clean, I’m done, and left the house to talk to a friend about all of this.
Confronting her and spilling the beans was not something I planned on doing, but I got cornered with her accusations and complaints about me, and just spilled everything about what I had found out in recent days, and have been holding in for too long now. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I felt that me GAL and doing 180 for months now, was either going unnoticed or ignored, while she was getting to have her cake on the side. I finally reached breakpoint, and realized that if I don’t put her on the spot and put an ultimatum, I will lose my mind.
AS mentioned above, I left the house for a couple of hours to talk to a former, fellow DBer who happens to be a good friend of mine. While talking on the phone with him, I realized that for the first time in many months I felt relieved. Relieved that she now knows that my patience has run out. That if things don’t change, I’m willing to walk away for good. I came home 2 hours later and she was already asleep thank god, because I was not in the mood to continue arguing.
Tuesday 9/11
After spending the night in the guest bedroom (to show her how disturbed I was with her behavior), I left for the gym at 5am. At 7am, as I arrived at work, she called and asked me in a reconcilable tone to come home so we can talk about the R and see how we can fix things. Mind you, that was a very different tone, than the accusatory and resistant tone she had used the night before. Where Monday night she claimed she had nothing to fix in this marriage because she had done nothing wrong, now she wanted in on the repair work… I left work to deal with that. When I got home we hashed things out more, during which I explained that I refuse to be taken for a ride, ignored, and or have my efforts go unnoticed. She was in tears, said she was looking for love, and wasn’t sure if she can find it with me or anyone for that matter at this point in life (I’ve suspected she going through a MLC for a while, could be that too).
I said I’m willing to give her all the love she deserves, but I refuse to be lied to, ignored, and taken for granted. I also told her she deserves to be happy, and if she believes I cannot make her happy, that I fully support us going our separate ways. I said I’m whole and ok with either decision we make. I’m willing to change, and put effort, and give her the love she deserves, but if she doesn’t want it, or not willing to be transparent, open, and honest with me with regards to her social life, I’m walking out. Left it at that and went downstairs to have breakfast.
Half hour later she came down, in tears, said she wants to work on the marriage. That’s a complete different tone than what she had from the previous night in which she claimed she had no part or responsibility in fixing this marriage, that she had done nothing wrong, that I’ve wronged her for 13 years (I have), and it’s all my responsibility. Now it seemed as though she was fully aware of the way in which her secrecy caused me to pretty much lose my mind and sabotage my efforts in trying to repair this marriage (through working on myself). I said that I’m going to work on myself, and make improvements FOR myself. She has the choice to either stick around and reap the benefits, or decide I’m not good enough for her. Regardless, I said, I will be improving myself for either you, OR your replacement, should one come down the road. I told her she sounded very conflicted in her tone, and should take time (days if needed) to think about her decision, that I’m not rushing her into anything, or forcing her to stick around if she doesn’t feel right about it.
She calmed down a bit, had her own breakfast, and then went upstairs. I was exhausted at that point from the previous sleepless night, and went upstairs to take a nap in the guest bedroom. When I woken up a few hours later, she suggested we go for a walk, which I agreed to. We hashed out everything else remaining during our walk. During which she revealed all the stuff I was accusing her of (the texts, the couple of outings, the gifts (she just felt bad he bought her a gift (they were invited to her birthday party but came empty handed), so she felt obligated to get him something as well for his birthday). I again, made it clear that I’m ok with either decision we make. I want to stay married, work on myself, and give her the love she deserves, but I will NOT be taken for a ride. The secrecy and the lies must stop. That I’m ok with her having platonic, harmless friendships, but she needs to be open and 100% transparent about. She agreed, and we decided to move on from this.
Shortly thereafter, back home, I went into the kitchen where she was making dinner for the kids, and she came and gave me a kiss on the lips. Something she hasn’t done in almost a year. I was shocked, to say the least. The rest of the evening went by nice, we sat in the kitchen and just chatted about different things.
I’m giving this one last chance. If she goes underground on me again, I’m out.
Wednesday 9/12
Decided to talk to my co-worker as well. Made it clear that I have no issues with them being friends, so long as nothing funny was going on. He immediately said that whatever friendship he had with my wife was purely superficial and revolved around stupid day to day topics (household, money, politics, etc.). Also said that his friendship with me, and our employment is 10 times more important to him than whatever he has with my wife. He offered to disengage contact with her immediately so as to not cause any further problems. I told him not to do because I’ll then get an earful from her about me intervening in her social life and ruining friendships. I told him that she is more to be blamed here because she is the one who kept everything one big secret.
M (LBS): 41, W (WAS) : 40 M: 16Y, T: 22Y Kids: 11, 9, 9 A: since 2015 DB: since July 2017
