I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

I fully understand you wanting to keep anonymous if you need to.

I don't really need to stay anonymous anymore than the rest of you do, I just have to be sure no one becomes overly involved in my situation and vice versa. Does that make sense?

They say if you need to go to therapy with someone and they won't go, then you go.

I have seen several counselors. Unfortunately they have all told me the same thing and I wasn't ready to hear it. I know "this is no way to live". Got it.

When I say you are internalizing the things he says, I mean you are accepting the merit of them and finding yourself at fault for his accusations. Remember on this site they say believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Stop listening to his words. They are meaningless.

Yes, I definitely do this. His truth is my truth, always has been. The state of our relationship depends on how he feels about my actions, some of those are bigger situations than others obviously, but I can pay a "price" simply for buying something for the house without asking his opinion. Then once I ask his opinion, I MUST honor it. Regardless of what my opinion is. Otherwise, I will be ignored or he will "step things up" like, oh ok so this is how we're going to play? And then he'll do something bigger without my approval. It just starts crap. So, when our opinions differ, I've just learned to accept his.

Update~
Lately I've just been thinking about the human's internal response to emotional pain-AVOID. Your ego tells you anything it can to help you avoid pain. I can see this throughout my life-I can look back and see patterns in my life where I will overlook things, not address things, etc. if it makes me uncomfortable or I think it will make the other person uncomfortable, i.e. I think it will end up causing more "pain" than it's worth. Different than picking your battles because I rationalize why the something might be happening and just dismiss my own perspective and my own truth. I'm working more on leaning into the pain, understanding that it is all a part of my life. How I handle difficult times is a very important part of who I am and I need to learn to embrace it because with it comes growth. And change. And I have faith that the path forward becomes clearer eventually if you embrace the present. I am working on quieting my ego and diving deeper into myself so I can see what else is there.

Another thing I've realized is that I've been holding on to anger because on some level I believe that the anger will make it easier to detach, easier to leave when I decide it's time, easier to deal with the pain that's underneath. I think that's why I've found it so difficult to be nice to him, even "cashier" friendly. If I'm too nice, my anger will go away and I will once again be weak. But I'm realizing that anger doesn't make you strong. I mean, it's definitely a necessary part of the process. But I've come to realize that anger is not a true emotion. It's a child's way of dealing with the real emotion. Real strength comes from feeling the true emotions that lie beneath the anger and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to those emotions but not controlled by them, all the while accepting and acknowledging your circumstances.

On a less introspective level, still haven't had much alcohol. I really don't understand why....it's almost like abstaining is happening TO me as opposed to something I've chosen. Maybe it's just a phase, I don't know. All I know is that I used to really enjoy coming home and having a couple glasses of wine. I think over the years it became my coping mechanism for how much my H drank. Since I haven't been, all the negative feelings toward him drinking have been returning.
H's phone has been blowing up with group texts the last couple days from a guy and girl he works with. Bosom buddies they've become it seems. I'm sure they have lots of fun when H is out of town. I say that in the most detached way possible, as I truly am not sure I care. I do a little bit I guess if I'm being completely honest. But not enough to waste much time thinking about. The part of me that cares only cares because I still feel like there is more to this story than I know or understand. More behind his decision to just live in the same house but no longer be a couple. Maybe that is just how my mind is trying to understand his decision simply because it's so far out from anything I would ever decide or anyone I know would ever decide or anyone I've ever met would ever decide. See where I'm going with that? Is H really THAT unique or is there more to the story? That's a rhetorical question, there is no benefit from speculating. None. And I know this. But my brain is definitely craving a way to make sense of it. Ego. Shhhhhhh.