I read all the people here in newcomers struggling and I hate it. I guess it brings back memories of not long ago... I am still struggling at times.
There are so many of us here, that have been around for long that want to share our experience of what worked or didnt work in our cases. We talk about it and it seems we all feel we dont want to dicourage newcomers and hold back PLUS that we know that people wont "take advice in" until they are ready. But what we have to say, or at least what I have to say, is not meant to discourage anyone. I only want to help. A few things that I want to say to many of you are :
99% of the cases there is another person involved, PA/EA or both
99% of them follow the same patterns :distance, withdrawal, crazy behavior, anger, blow up, bomb. In most cases, although LBS's do have the 50% of the responsibility, the nusty side of them that appears has nothing to do with the LBS
Stop enabling your partners to keep cake eating. It shows little self respect and puts you in the vitims role:NOT attractive and definitely not effective
Stop consuming your thoughts and lives about what they are doing and with whome every single moment of the day. All those moments are WASTED from YOUR LIFE while they keep doing what pleases them
Stop stretching YOUR boundaries to accommodate them, they will "ask for more"
Stop worrying that a phrase, a phonecall, a look, could be something that can change your life, it can not, it is not that easy
Have some faith that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and in the meantime, LIVE your life as you are supposed to,
Alisuddenly asked me to add :it is... apart from extreme behaviour (being mean, unkind, unwelcoming, meeting someone else... ) there is VERY LITTLE, of nothing, you can do that will make them come back before they are ready, IF they are thinking of coming back that is,
and as my friend John210 says :one person can not destroy your life, believe that no matter how intense the pain is
Dont think you "know them". You are dealing with a different person so expect anything
When they will start thinking if they made the right choice, you will know. No need wondering. You will know, something shifts, you will get the "feeling"
Reconciling is VERY hard and you only have chances to succeed if they have had the time they needed to think things thru in their heads, so...be patient and make sure the time is right
Do follow Michelle's advice for 180's, improvement and self aware. Do use the time to start feeling good about who you are, reinvent yourself
Once you start feeling better, dont let them suck you back in...unless they SHOW you they mean they want to do their part of the work...
Some friends of mine said they will chime in... I hope they will. K
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
