It's been awhile so I thought I would update//journal tonight. I've been doing well and the kids are back in school which has been nice. They are excited about it this year! last year s didn't like going because his good friend was in another class but this year they're together!
I've been doing lots of processing lately and spending a lot of time in my head with a little lower and upper brain battling. Before the kids started school I ended up having to pick them up at exs bfs house (can't find apostrophe on new iPad keyboard). It bothered me for about 10 minutes and I got over it. It was a little upsetting seeing a house twice the size of mine, statue, new vehicles etc, but after I thought about it a few minutes it hit me that I don't judge other people that way so why was I judging myself that way. I know better than that. It also struck me that I had nothing to be jealous of w/regard to ex. She was with me when she was happy and fun except for when she was in pain the last couple years of our m. He knows a completely different person than I do. If I were jealous it would in a way confirm to ex that she made the right choice, when I'm not it changes that.
Exs bday was a few weeks ago. I took the kids shopping and let them pick out their own gifts and gave ex a card from me. I have the kids make their own cards for bdays, etc so we stuck with that too. I had the kids that day and she was supposed to get them that morning. She didn't come until that afternoon because she didn't feel good. She only had the kids a couple hours before bringing them home. Her bf dropped them off. I bothered me for about a minute and it feels good to be moving further down my path. I think this is also a little easier to accept because she's not cheating, were divorced and it's not an affair partner that I know of. She went w/him on a mini-vacation a week later so I had the kids some extra time. Funny but it felt good knowing ex was out of town.
A couple years ago I went to my first Reiki session and the lady I go to also practices Ho oponopono and had the four steps (please forgive me, I'm sorry, I love you, thank you) on some artwork. I was thinking about this towards both myself and ex since I first saw it. I struggled with that last one but I'm there now (at least enough to feel comfortable to say it). I'm thankful for my exs d except for the pain it caused our kids, it has taught me many lessons and I'm a better person for it.
It's a weird relationship I have w ex. When she was over the other day she told me about her cycle and problems she's having, the next time she'll be nasty, back to nice, who knows... Funny she is comfortable with me to discuss these things after all of this. I've thought about this some and I don't think ex has ever had a safe place other than with me. I guess it's a good thing if I can still give her that as an ex. I really do feel sorry for her.
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.
There is a lady that I talk to in a store every few weeks. I actually met her about 5 years ago and then again about a year ago. I enjoy our small talk which is not something I'm good at or usually care for until I get to know someone, I'm very quiet and introverted. I feel dumb writing this but I'm really bad with these things (besides what I mentioned above now) and I'm not sure if she's just being nice or if she's interested. I thought so but then wasn't sure after the next time we talked. She is working in a store so is expected to be nice which makes it hard. We talk enough to know each other's bdays, that I'm divorced, she also asks about s from time to time. She's also never mentioned a boyfriend to me. I'll find out eventually I guess.
