Need Guidance moving from new comer to MLC,

[marina7]

Thank you again for amazing words and advice,

I must say being here has help me from not going insane
or thinking I am crazy or losing my marbles.

As many know I have lupus and was doing good
I guess with stress and all I been ill lately.

Lately I been Blah just basically waking up and routine
Yes life feels like wow is this really going be life.

Then I realize is just a set back. I never thought I would be here
mentally or financially. Wondering if we will have a home
While W lives life having it all and treating kids horrible and
GAL or law says we can't control her behavior.

I guess I have felt I have protected my kids for over 9yrs
And now I can't fix there pain they have in there heart from W.

And yes my monkey braining gets the best of me.
In mediation W blaming for her life being miserable
Like wow. And then this weekend I pulled out
Our recorder of holidays and our first son and home.
And W happy telling me you are the best thing that happen to me.
And now I am the worse. Oh boy how can our brain F up our mind
Sometimes.

S9 has had a rough week. Remember he doesn't show emotions
But yesterday he wanted to tell W all about school and activities
And within less than 2min W being with s9 on the phone. W says I gotta
go. I was driving I seen s9 through rearview mirror I will never forget that
look, his hurt his sadness his pain I felt his little heart. I just reached my
right hand over reach his hand he had in his knees and just
gave him a squeeze. And silence and the drive home. But inside
God knows I was dying I wanted to call W and say what can be so
busy to hear our baby boy want to tell you his excitement.
But of course I just prayed.

We pass a church park over and bowed my head in the car. And ask
God for peace and peace for W. And to take my babies pain away.

Is so for us. Many people have family unfortunately I don't I had
a horrible childhood really bad from mentally and sexual abuse
I got away from my blood family to better my life
Over 20yrs ago. So family to me is not blood is about who is there.
I have friends but many of them have stayed out of it and away and
I don't blame them. But times like this I wish my kids had family.
Grandparents. I have my step mom but she lives in Texas and financially we
Can't fly her out or I go over. We facetime my mom alot. So thank God
for that. She has been a great emotional supporter. But times like
this I wish where surrounded by family.

It's just been hard. Bills, not able to work, lawyers fees and
making sure my kids have things they need. God is hard
But I tell myself things could be worse so I know am bless more
than I know.

I guess I ask how much longer of this pain it's been 1yr and 7months and it
seems like nothing, s10 still not home. I feel the court is not taking this
as serious because in this process kids are hurting so much.

D10 lately been very quiet I spoke with her therapist
and it worries me as her mom. I rather d10 be angry or yell
Or cry than being quiet not sure what monkey braining is
going on in her head.

It's been a rough 2 weeks. We need prayers and healing for us.

Thank you guys for letting me vent.