Had a long talk last night in response to his e-mail. He said last week I sounded like I wanted him to move out, and now I don't. I asked him what HE wanted, and he gave me the "I don't know". I said let's take a few more days to really examine what's best for ourselves, and think about what we both expect out of a separation, and talk when he gets home. He's on business until Friday, and didn't want to hash it all out on the phone.
I thought a lot about why I would want someone like this still in my life without making any concessions, changes, or expressions of willingness to make a better marriage. I think it's fear of change, fear of creating stress on my kids that are already stressed about college, fear of the questions from family and friends. But, I've decided to ask him to move out, and will request we work out the details this weekend. I realize he needs to figure things out for himself, or not. I don't want to be dragged down. And I am committed to finally, fully, detaching. No calls, txt msgs, or e-mails today, so that's a start!
Over the last 2 or 3 months, I've made a strong effort to GAL. Heavily involved in a new church, women's bible study (they have given me wonderful support), reading books about boundaries and faith, and just doing activities that connect me with nice people. I'm busy the next 3 nights in a row! It has helped a lot.
I am a people fixer, and realize how much I tried to control H and mold him to what I think he should be like. NO MORE! He will figure things out on how he can proceed to make himself at peace, or he won't. I'm just going to worry about myself.
Now I will need all your support to follow-through and stay strong!
