Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

I'm still around. Just not much to report. W is about to take off on a work trip out of the country for two weeks later this week, which she told me about so that I didn't expect her to come by to walk the dog. Not that it changes much. We haven't spoken since our last meeting over a month ago, and there have been just a few emails exchanged about dog and money stuff. The distance is good for detachment. Much less of my time is spent thinking about what was or what could have been, or any of those cheeseless tunnels. My anger/resentment ebbs and flows, but is still the dominant emotion when I do think about the R. I try to just observe it, and let it pass. I know it isn't helpful or healthy to hold onto it.

My focus has been much more on my self. Unfortunately, I have been struggling at work since the return of the school year. There are some new challenges, but I am struggling on my own end with motivation as well. It has been dragging me down, I feel like I am stuck in the same rut as last year before BD. Thinking about that, and the lack of progress drags me into a negative cycle. I feel bad for not making more progress, and that in turn makes me feel worse. There have been some pretty dark moments over the past two weeks.

On the weekends when I am able to GAL I can achieve a much higher level of mindfulness. The stress of the school week, the lack of sleep, and the dissatisfaction in my job/my performance makes it hard during the week. I am meditating or practicing yoga on a daily basis, getting around 95% of the time by bike, and rock climbing 3 days a week. All of these activities help, but much of my weekends and free time is still spent by myself as I have few friends outside of my W's and my social circle. At this point I have become accustomed to dining out by myself on Friday or Saturday, and maybe taking my dog out to a bar for a walk and a drink. There is definitely some loneliness, but I am pretty comfortable with it and being in my own skin.

I wish that I were making progress in a more rapid and linear fashion, but beating myself up about it doesn't help either. I am still seeing an IC, and that has helped out in the darker moments. "Action precedes motivation" is a mantra that helps when I feel completely lost and unmotivated. While living these more depressing times it becomes much harder to do the tough work of introspection and digging deep into my emotions and thoughts. It seems like dredging up more excrement when I feel like I am already almost drowning in it. It is much easier to rest on the couch and watch reruns of Parks and Rec.

I recognize that I am still a long way from where I want/need to be on my journey. I am not the confident, attractive, emotionally solid person that I want to be. At this point, that stings a lot more than the failed MR. I could never control what the W was going to do, nor was I ever in a position to wrestle with her demons. But at this point I feel like I am still losing my own battle. If I don't get my own house in order it doesn't matter what anyone else does because I won't be in a position to have a successful relationship with anyone.

I don't mean to be a downer. I am actually feeling more stable and mindful today than I have in a little while (having the Jewish New Year's day off yesterday definitely helped!) but there is no point in sugar coating things here or putting up a brave front. I have benefited greatly from the honest (and at times, brutal) words of all of you and the least I can give in return is as much honesty and vulnerability as I can muster up. I am convinced that my MR and my days of "standing" are over, but my personal journey still has a long way to go.w