On Monday, W's lawyer sent me a sep. proposal and budget asking me to leave for at least six months. Economically and with regard to my parental rights, the proposal is a joke. Immediately, I drafted the following reply, which will give you a sense as to what was proposed, but after speaking with others and calming down a bit, I bagged it for now.
At the outset, I will not enter into formal discussions concerning an agreement unless W stipulates the following as part of an agreement—many of which she has declared to me on numerous occasions:
1) Assuming no material change in circumstances from this date until the date of an agreement W has no grounds to sustain an action for separation or divorce in New York State; 2) W is unhappy in the marriage and does not believe counseling will have any impact on her feelings and thereby rejects her husband’s attempts to pursue counseling as an appropriate mechanism for achieving reconciliation; 3) W does not blame her husband for these irreconcilable differences and acknowledges that her husband has been a strong and reliable provider for the family as well as being a good father; 4) W’s perceived unhappiness in the marriage and her circumstances in life have had an adverse impact on her mental well-being and she believes this unhappiness detracts from her ability to provide the level of care she deems necessary for her children; 5) W believes the removal of her husband from the household will fortify her mental ability to care for the children and the benefits she derives from such removal outweigh any negative consequences the children may experience due to separation of the removal their father.
First, my initial reaction is confirmation of my belief concerning the economic devastation a separation or divorce would have on our family and the well being of our children. Combine that with the other externalities of separation, to contend that a separation is beneficial to our children appears dubious at best.
Second, aside from the accuracy of the budget provided, the numbers appear grossly inequitable given the circumstances that: 1) W is the party seeking to terminate the marriage; 2) she has no grounds for divorce or separation; 3) a voluntary separation on my part would be contrary to my strongest desires and convictions; 4) my leaving the family would be an extraordinarily charitable response to W's own internal issues of discord and ongoing efforts to remove me from our home and dramatically alter the nature of my relationship with my children; and 5) the random lottery-like state of New York law concerning the valuation of my law degree (assuming it has any value) could result in my personal economic ruin if a voluntary separation is leveraged into a formal agreement and conversion into a divorce.
Consequently, at a minimum, any expenditure beyond basic necessities such as the mortgage, taxes, food (these figures are debatable), and insurance should be subject to joint agreement. Moreover, personal spending should be weighted far more heavily towards my side of the equation. W is not precluded from obtaining a part-time job to bolster her earnings and has extraordinary access to far more high paying employment through her multitudes of political contacts and proven capabilities in the workplace.
Third, assuming resolution of these matters, I have no general objection to maintaining separate checking accounts, splitting existing cash assets, and entering into an agreement whereby each of us agrees not to diminish the value of jointly held marital assets. Indeed, this may be the first action that needs to be taken. Furthermore, before such assets are split, subject to further agreement, I have no specific objection to making required payments for the pool, beach house, and D8’s dance school. These are payments for the benefit of our children. In addition, some provision may be necessary to ensure that any equity in our home is available to secure funding for potential legal and litigation expenses, subject to appropriate repayment provisions or recognition in a decree of divorce.
Fourth, the duration and means for terminating an agreement, including any implications for subsequent judicial action requires far more additional thought and negotiation;
Fifth, there may be no greater issue to determine than custodial rights—which also impacts the issues above. Your letter clearly implies that W would maintain physical custody, but is ambiguous on legal custody. I can flatly assert that no final determinations have been reached on this subject. Furthermore, given the courts’ increasing disposition towards joint custody arrangements whereby the children remain in the family residence while parents alternate living with the children in such home, far greater exploration of all available options must be pursued than the fait accompli suggested in your letter and by W’s budget.
After ditching this effort, I really suspected W would be pressing me for reaction, but I have avoided her all week, and she has not pursued. I do know, however, that she will go nuts when she learns that I find her proposal unacceptable. The only real question to ponder is whether I: 1) negotiate the terms of an agreement along the lines contemplated above--which could be acrimonious) or 2) convey to her that I'm not going anywhere--which, as noted above, is certain to drive her nuts.
If you ask me what my goal is, right now it's not necessarily saving the M, but serving the best interests of the children and providing a more workable economic framework between us.
Finally, this morning I received a followup e-mail from W's attorney asking for my thoughts. So I sent this simpler reply and we'll see how this flies:
After careful review, in addition to creating extraordinary financial pressures on meeting family's needs, I do not believe this proposal serves our number one priority--the best interests of our children. However, the proposal could provide a framework for managing our finances and protecting/preserving marital assets given our current circumstances.
Meanwhile, I intend to meet up with KAW tonight and perhaps we'll get started on our NY-Metro DB event. Until next time.
