DB / Detach- Will we ever piece it together

[LITB]

I agree with Steve, wholeheartedly.

[AnotherStander]

I guess I just say I see no reason to hug... or dont respond at all. Since that isnt what I want to say but do what works right not what you want? I'll read some on here and think of how to respond rather than just reacting which is always a mistake for me.

Just remember detachment is not being cold and indifferent. I think you're kind of on that cusp of appearing cold and indifferent to her. At the same time you can't "nice" her back, so you've got to walk a fine line between pursuing and not being rude. This is where Sandi's rules come in. Read them to remind yourself what your behavior goals are. As far as the hug, I personally always suggest that if the WAS asks for a hug then give them the sidearm hug. That's giving them the hug they're asking for without it being too intimate or pursuing. It's also sending them a message that you're not necessarily romantically available to them anymore.

I want to say: a week ago you said Ive been thinking about you a lot and feeling things I havent felt in a long time. Then after I try to talk through things and spend time together you ask for space. I see this is all pursuit and pressure so I wont say it but its pretty frustrating.

I'm glad you didn't say it because you're right, it's inappropriate right now.

Also I agree with LITB, you've got to cut WAY back on the time you're spending with her. No more lunches and such. Maybe later, but for now she is never going to miss you at this rate, and you want her to miss you and feel like she may lose you. Again not cold and indifferent, just busy and unavailable. Right? If you're too busy to have lunch with her because you are living an awesome life then she'll want to be a part of that.

And she's on a dating app? GOOD!!! Let her see how many idiots and a-holes are out there. There's nothing like a dating app to remind a woman how hard it is to find a good man (much less a great one). If you ever want an earful just ask a woman how her online dating experiences have gone. When I started dating I would ask women that as an icebreaker and holy cow, talk about entertaining!

When she texts just ignore her? Or minimal response.

Sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour later, sometimes not at all. Again, the idea is you are busy being awesome and may or may not have time for her texts.

[Did]

Thank you all. Great advice. W wants to talk tonight on the phone tonight. I told her to let me know to confirm so I could be available. But I know it will depend on d4 sleeping and health she and W have been sick. She asked a few weeks ago to start talking on the phone - in her mind this is progress. In My mind she has been so wishy washy and back and forth im just about done unless she starts being kind caring and showing physical intimacy / actions of pursuit. She’s so far from the woman I actually want to Ben with and she’s doesn’t even know it.

Not sure how to handle the phone calls just listen and validate. Don’t talk about the qualities I’m miss

I’m still quite torn. Being around my family, young cousins and d4 yesterday. W never felt comfortable never really fit in always entitled and socially awkward. New woman I think would fit perfectly. But I want the family so it definitely weighs on me a bit. New woman I told her we need to take a step back for now that I wasn’t ready for anything serious

[SteveLW]

These phonecalls smack to me of temp checking. To see if you are still attached. Remember, your W has even more incentive to do so because of the voluntary support. I thought last week you were going to discuss that with a L? Did you?

[Did]

I think I am just not going to pay in October and see how it goes. I have reached out to an attorney and she said since we are doing mediation everything is up to us to agree... we have not done anything through the court system and dont plan on going through court.

I may let her talk a bit. Then say something like you have been so wishy washy I dont really want to talk about anything besides D4 unless we are both agreed that we are working on piecing our marriage together... very open to input on this dialogue.

Last night I was thinking of saying something like I want a woman who is kind, caring, supportive, trustworthy, that wants to have a family (more than 1 child we always wanted 2-3), deeply cares about marriage, that wants to be sexy and intimate for me as their man... if thats not you thats ok. If it is then we have something to talk about. And then just go dark for the most part. And fulfill my 3 month promise to pay as I have through September.

[SteveLW]

So you are stuck in the same cycle. Again. What does your IC say about all of this?

[SteveLW]

How about doing a real 180? Try so actual DBing?

Tell her tonight:

"Since its been three months and you've done nothing to try to become self-sufficient, after this month I am ending the voluntary support. You can go file a motion with the court to start spousal and child support. I am done playing games. All communication will be related to the care and visitation for and with D."

Take your manhood back. Make her take action. Stop sitting back, allowing her to cake eat, throwing you breadcrumbs to keep you attached and to keep the free money coming. Make her do the work to really get support. Let her see that you are now serious about moving on and that you aren't afraid of D.

She will react angry at first, but then she will do one of two things. Actually follow through and move towards D. Or realize that D is too much work and trouble and agree to try to R and work on the MR.

This is the last time I will advise you Did. I am not saying that for any other reason then that I've tried. At this point you'd probably prefer if I didn't continue to repeat myself. You know what I think. I will leave you with this question: everything you've been doing up until now, how has it worked? Isn't it time to try something different and to actually DB?

Good luck my friend, I will continue to pray for your sitch.

[Did]

Steve I understand your frustration. Ill figure out how to say it in my words but something to the affect Im not paying any more support until you make a decision. We either work on the marriage or go back to mediation and finalize the divorce. Im not playing any more games.

[AnotherStander]

I may let her talk a bit. Then say something like you have been so wishy washy I dont really want to talk about anything besides D4 unless we are both agreed that we are working on piecing our marriage together...

Well, I agree with Steve that you are caught in the same repeating pattern and it's getting you nowhere. First of all don't call her "wishy washy" or anything else, insulting her is pointless whether you want to recon or not. Second, don't start an R talk, it will go nowhere just like all the other R talks.

Last night I was thinking of saying something like I want a woman who is kind, caring, supportive, trustworthy, that wants to have a family (more than 1 child we always wanted 2-3), deeply cares about marriage, that wants to be sexy and intimate for me as their man... if thats not you thats ok. If it is then we have something to talk about. And then just go dark for the most part.

See above correction. Stop all the pursuit and R talk! And "for the most part", no. Let's start doing proper DB'ing, shall we? All in.

[ovrrnbw]

Steve I understand your frustration. Ill figure out how to say it in my words but something to the affect Im not paying any more support until you make a decision. We either work on the marriage or go back to mediation and finalize the divorce. Im not playing any more games.

Be more concise, the more you talk and the more words you use, the more it seems you are dancing around it.

You'll support your W and family, not this bullstuff.