I think my way of thinking is, if I dont let him know im hurt by this, then he will think I dont care and he will tell himself "well she doesnt care anymore, so clearly she doesnt want me back. Plus, It would be too much work with her, so ill just stick with the OW"
I just dont want to keep giving him passes to go do all these things as if they dont affect me, because they affect me SO much. All I can do since Saturday is picture him with her.
Its so weird how things have changed. I am the type of person who likes to play my music loud and decorate the house for holidays, and do fun things and have people over and go out and do stuff and H enjoyed that too but he was also always ok with being in bed early, quiet nights renting movies. And yet for some reason since all this happened, I feel like im such a boring person. Or that he perceives me that way or something. Now he is off in dive bars every night, dating a girl who seems like a free spirit that lives how she wants, she also has a daughter, but im sure he perceives her as fun, carefree. And im just the bore at home taking care of our 6 month old.
And I know thats not true, im doing things, he even commented how im always doing a million things, but I dont think I come off as a free spirit by any means. I cant really explain it, its almost like I have things TOO together for him anymore. He all of a sudden views me as someone who wants the white picket fence and the perfect husband and the perfect family, when thats not it at all. Id live in a trailer with him traveling, I dont NEED anything! I lost him and my world fell apart and I had a BABY and ive just tried to adjust.
I work 8-5 everyday but from home, and I feel like that too him became a turn off too. Like he goes to the bar and watches these girls sling drinks and get hit on and its like all of a sudden that became his thing, what he liked in a woman. And im just the girl at home making him pay bills and trying to make him into something hes not or something. Hes rewritten everything and I feel like I cant do ANYTHING to change his perception of me. And I feel like finally I was getting there and then this OW gets thrown at me and im lost again.
I am reading the book and I definitely take the feed back on here and read it over and over, I guess im just not as patient as I thought. Its been a year in 2 weeks of this nightmare and i would have NEVER thought after a year we would still be dealing with this. I thought for SURE we would be fine. And CLEARLY were nowhere near fine. Were much closer to a D then we are a R. I know I need to be patient, im just so afraid of BD after BD. And him dating someone else is just really doing a number. Today and yesterday have just been SO weird. Thursday-Saturday he was wanting to be here, wanting to text me, wantingto spend time with me AND the baby, and then Saturday night i found out about everything and then I feel like he probably felt bad even though he didnt say it, and Sunday he probably felt a little lost and he texted me a bit, and then I feel like yesterday maybe he committed his loyalty to her.
I know that sounds crazy but i just know my H so well. I feel like he tells these OW at some point that he is with them and only them, and thats when he stops talking to me as much. Its like since he screwed it all up with me, now hes going to make it work for sure with them. And thats why he didnt reach out to me yesterday and hasnt reached out to me today.
I dont know. I cant believe how many times he told me "Im not looking for anyone else. My mind is not at all on other women,thats not what im doing right now" and thats literally ALL hes been doing, while ive been not showing any other men attention even though i could be. Im starting to think I need to delete social media. I dont even know anymore. I cant believe I have to get through ANOTHER woman and this one lives here. I just dont know how my emotions will take it. I want to detach. I have been reading and reading on it but I wish there were ACTUAL things I could do to get there and it just seems all mental. And im not really sure how to just detach from someone. But ill keep trying
