First post, but reading for several weeks. My MC recommended Divorce Remedy, and I've read it. But we are stuck. Here's the brief facts to a very complicated story.
First affair discovered 7 years ago. Lasted 1 ½-2 years. She ended up being a bit phycho and we took her to court for a restraining order. To protect our kids and family, we fought her together and decided to work on our marriage. At this time I discovered he had 3 other brief flings at various stages of our marriage. I decided to forgive, and things were great for a few years, but then went back to our old patterns because we never worked on the issues that brought us to that point. We’ve had very poor communication, not a lot of emotional intimacy, and an unsatisfying sex life for a very long time.
Fast forward to January 2018, another affair discovered. OWs husband calls me to tell me about affair with his wife, who was not a friend, but someone we socialized with on many occasions. He ended it that day, and to my knowledge hasn't contacted her or seen her since. We started MC, but it went no where except our lines of communication did open up. That’s something, I guess. We tried discernment counseling, and after 4 sessions we agreed to "status quo" for a while longer. We live like good friends, socialize with friends, and do things together. Even displays of affection from H, touching, light kisses, etc. Same bed, no sex since January. I am willing to try to build a new marriage based on our strong companionship and friendship. He states he is stuck. Doesn’t know what to do. I believe he is depressed (and has been on and off for many years), and states he feels so damaged he doesn’t know why I or anyone would want him. I think he’s also skeptical we can change enough to get a deeper emotional connection we both want, and I’m not sure he has the drive to do the work. He knows I am committed to doing so.
Last week I opened up the discussion to whether he should move out temporarily so we could both have our space away from our day-to-day patterns to figure things out. Several months ago I started working on myself – deep down soul searching and pursuing things that make me happy. It’s helped a lot. He has done nothing that I know of, and to my knowledge hasn’t finished any of the books the MC recommended. I know I can’t help him through this any more. He is very unhappy, depressed, but I know he will have to figure it out on his own.
So, in light of our living situation, I’m wondering where we go from here. He hasn’t done anything about moving out except to take a preliminary look at what options there are for short term fully furnished places. I had told him I would run our numbers and see what our budget might look like. That was last Wednesday. Neither one of us has brought it up since, until today I get an e-mail (he left on a business trip), that he was curious I never wanted to discuss anything related to separation this weekend, and he is willing to talk about it but now he feels in limbo. I feel the burden is on me, and I’m having 2nd thoughts that suggesting moving out might be a good idea. I’m afraid once they go, they don’t come back. But sometimes I feel just nothing, apathy, and figure something needs to change for any progress in any direction (either split for good or work it out).
And BTW – our kids to my knowledge know nothing. They are away at college now.
