I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I truly feel your pain. Certainly, for many of us here, when it rains, it pours. As if any one of those circumstances you describe isn't hard enough, it seems to all be piling on at once. I want you to know that you are not alone. I also believe that you, and people in general, are more resilient than we understand. You are very wise to reach out for support. I didn't start posting here until years after my sitch happened. It is when we are most vulnerable that we need others to care and lead the way. All of us here have felt the sting first hand of having a S that has threatened D, filed for D, walked away, or had an A. I am glad you are here and I would encourage you to keep posting.
I also want to share with you that I know what it feels like to have to send a teen away to wilderness and boarding school. This also happened right after BD (bomb drop), my H was having an A with a mutual "friend," and after my father died over 4 years ago. All of these things happened back to back. So it was one thing after the next and it took me down hard! I watched my teenage daughter spiraling out of control and I was still trying to wrap my head around losing my father, losing my H and M, and the betrayal (and shame) of him having an A with this woman I thought was a close friend for many years! Bam. Life as I knew it was gone. I look back on that year and don't even know how I got through it. Somehow I did. I also think that I am a stronger and better person for it.
I don't want to make your thread about me, but I want you to know, that you can get through all of this. It is going to take time. Sometimes just getting up and getting dressed is all we can do. Other days we accomplish more, and usually those days we feel a bit better. But you don't have to put pressure on yourself to master the rules here or even measure any progress with your H. Sometimes, the progress feels counter intuitive. I always tell people to start by taking care of themselves. Learning self love, practicing self care, and extreme patience. It took a long time for your situation to evolve the way it did, and most likely given your son's hardships, there were additional life stressers. So it may take longer to work through some of this. That is okay. And it is perfectly okay to put working on your M aside for a bit. There is no one size fits all here. It doesn't sound like your H is completely sure he wants D either, and he has been through some trauma too. So be patient with yourselves and each other. That is a good place to start.
Often the more space and freedom we give them, the more safe they feel to come back on their own. Remove all pressure and things will unfold more gently. Take care.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
