3 year old EA - where do I go from here?

[mindsin]

Perhaps, but how do you explain her adamant statements during big blowouts, such as the likes of “this marriage is beyond repair”, “we need to go our separate ways now”, “I don’t think this marriage is worth saving”, etc. I mean these are pretty big statements to make if you’re not willing to back them up. The last blowout we had, she actually suggested we get the D process going the very next morning. The only thing that stopped it in its tracks was my comeback comment: “Go find a job first, because I can’t afford paying you alimony”. Of course she took it as me thinking of her being a leach, and trying to screw me over. I simply explain that that was not my intention. That if she wants a divorce, I will sign the papers only if and when she manages to find a job, because I can’t afford it financially at the moment. So I don’t know how content she is at this very moment about this cake-family life balance you mentioned. I think she’d be glad to be out the door if we had the money to proceed.

Alimony is granted only if it's in the divorce decree. If she takes pride in being independent (i.e. not a "leach"), then that works in your favor. If you can both agree on terms, then there's no need to even get an attorney involved. I did not seek alimony in my divorce even though I probably could have pushed for it due to my ex-wife's income being much higher than mine. The judge even double-checked with me and made me aware that if I refuse alimony, then I waive the right to request alimony indefinitely. It was never my intent to "screw over" my ex-wife and I don't want any money from her. I do just fine financially on my own. So I declined.

I cannot say for sure whether or not she is content with the situation. If I were to guess, I'd say deep down it is causing her a lot of stress. She probably wonders how long she can continue this double life of pretending to be your wife while satisfying her need for emotional (and possibly physical) intimacy with another man.

You may be right, but explanations and guesses alone will not cut it. I would need clear cut evidence. And since for the time being at least, I neither can afford a D, nor want the kids to pay the price for it, I am forced to live with the current situation. The only thing I can do is learn to adjust and shift my focus away from her. Keep on telling myself she is as good as gone for me. That she now has a life beyond me, and that’s ok. That if she wants to see other men, she is free to do so and I should be perfectly ok with it. It’s not easy but I think I can do it. The biggest obstacle believe it or not, is not dealing with her, but rather dealing with the OM at work. I don’t know how to balance being nice and cordial with not speaking to the guy who’s been sitting next to me for the last 10 years. The guy who ‘used’ to be one of my best friends. I want to get the impression that I’m upset about something to do with him, but I don’t want him to turn around and tell our mutual boss that I have turned into this prick all of a sudden.

I don't think you're doing your kids any favors by staying in a miserable marriage. Your daughter will learn how a man is supposed to treat his wife by how dad behaves towards mom. Is your current dynamic with your wife the example you want to set? Think about it.

Even though my kids went through a divorce, they now spend time in two households where the adult couples are in a healthy loving relationship. They show zero negative psychological effects of being in a split family and are very outgoing and happy whenever I see them. I don't know, maybe I just got lucky with how things turned out. But when mom & dad are happy, the kids are happy -- even though mom and dad are with other people.