3 year old EA - where do I go from here?

[Matrix5]

My $0.02...

Reading all these posts gave me flashbacks of my situation years ago and I would agree with others here that she is cake-eating, big time. She gets to enjoy all the benefits of "family life" at home, and "romantic life" outside the home. Keeping that status quo seems to be her goal. When she's concerned about your mood, she's actually just concerned about rocking the boat of the situation she currently has.

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Perhaps, but how do you explain her adamant statements during big blowouts, such as the likes of “this marriage is beyond repair”, “we need to go our separate ways now”, “I don’t think this marriage is worth saving”, etc. I mean these are pretty big statements to make if you’re not willing to back them up. The last blowout we had, she actually suggested we get the D process going the very next morning. The only thing that stopped it in its tracks was my comeback comment: “Go find a job first, because I can’t afford paying you alimony”. Of course she took it as me thinking of her being a leach, and trying to screw me over. I simply explain that that was not my intention. That if she wants a divorce, I will sign the papers only if and when she manages to find a job, because I can’t afford it financially at the moment. So I don’t know how content she is at this very moment about this cake-family life balance you mentioned. I think she’d be glad to be out the door if we had the money to proceed.

Just think of Occam's razor -- The simplest explanation is most likely the correct one. Given all the evidence (circumstantial or otherwise), It seems the simple explanation is that she's having an affair. You're jumping through hoops to rationalize this as just a friendship that she's trying to hide.

You may be right, but explanations and guesses alone will not cut it. I would need clear cut evidence. And since for the time being at least, I neither can afford a D, nor want the kids to pay the price for it, I am forced to live with the current situation. The only thing I can do is learn to adjust and shift my focus away from her. Keep on telling myself she is as good as gone for me. That she now has a life beyond me, and that’s ok. That if she wants to see other men, she is free to do so and I should be perfectly ok with it. It’s not easy but I think I can do it. The biggest obstacle believe it or not, is not dealing with her, but rather dealing with the OM at work. I don’t know how to balance being nice and cordial with not speaking to the guy who’s been sitting next to me for the last 10 years. The guy who ‘used’ to be one of my best friends. I want to get the impression that I’m upset about something to do with him, but I don’t want him to turn around and tell our mutual boss that I have turned into this prick all of a sudden.

I KNOW that he’s suspecting that something is wrong on my side and that it has something do with him, because he sees me sitting quietly the whole day, not exchanging a single word with him, yet he won’t ask what’s the matter. In the past, during periods in which he was not in touch with my W, and would see me down for whatever reason, he’d inquire very quickly with sincere concern. Now though, after the recent bout of interactions he had with my W, he’s not asking me a thing. He just ignores my moodiness and continues to act and behave as if there’s nothing wrong. I’m willing to bet a few Benjamins that my W had told him not to ask anything, afraid that I may be onto something. So he probably thinks that by ignoring me and my deafening silence towards him, it will just get wind down at some point, and I’ll return to be the old me towards him…. Let me tell you, I won’t let that happen. I don’t think I will necessarily corner him and press him to admit anything, but I won’t just drop it. He NEEDS to know that I at least know something. That I’m upset about something, and that that issue has something to do with him.

I actually kind of like it. I feel like he’s feeling panicked and keeps on having this back and forth with her, and together they try to theorize on what to do next. Between me running late a couple of nights ago on the way home from work, or chatting in the yard with ‘someone’ (thanks again for listening Mindsin) on the phone for over an hour…. Good! Let them wonder. She may be thinking I’m either onto something or working with a PI.