Oh, arsh (((hugs))). I remember the pain of learning that there was an OW all too well. It's feels so unbelievable that this person we could love, feel so close to, and trust, could betray us in this way. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is the worst and deepest cut. And it is all happening very fast in your sitch! At least you now know some truth, if there is any comfort in that. I hope you can find a little comfort in the fact that a wayward is running towards something much faster than he is running away from you. Take a moment with that, especially if you are ruminating over where you went wrong in the M. There is very good chance that is not what this is about. Stop blaming yourself if you can.
I wish I could promise you that the hardest part is over. I actually believe it might be. We just don't know how this will play out and unfortunately none of us can predict it. You also cannot control it. Often times the A and the allure of the A have to burn out on it's own, and they usually do. Rarely do As amount to any genuine R because they are based on fantasy, dishonesty and deception. When allowed the freedom to pursue something real, they often die a quick and dramatic death. In my sitch, my H discusses his R with OW with shame, regret and there was always an unsettled feeling. She was also jealous and insecure because on some level she knew she was nothing genuine to him, she was an escape. I was the W, the mother of his children, and the one he fell in love with for years. We chose each other and had a love that was natural. She was there during a hard time in life and the A was a manufactured result of stress. On some level, he always knew that and that it was wrong.
Please know that in your sitch, your husband is completely wayward, and not just a walkaway. After reading on these boards for over 4 years, it seems apparent that waywards are more likely to return to the M than walkaways. Waywards are sort of running blindly and furiously to the idea of a better R or life, because they often cannot handle what is in front of them. It's an escape. In your sitch, it seems that parenthood and the stress that comes with building a family may have been too much for his limited coping mechs to deal with. In the case of walkaways, it seems they have been checked out of the M for a longer period of time. By the time they leave or start having As, they have already been planning the escape in their mind for some time. That or there is a history of leaving the M, not being involved with the kids or even wanting a family, and multiple As. I don't see that in your sitch at all. So I do think in time, chances of him falling flat and running back to you are high. You may not even want him anymore, but you can't even know that now, so try and not think about it too much.
So what can you do now? You keep doing exactly what you are doing! You wake up each day and get through it as best you can. You practice extreme self care, even when you don't feel like it. Let the girls' best interest lead the way. Follow Sandi's rules. And even if you mess up every day, FORGIVE yourself. It is okay. You are human and not a robot. No one expects that; perfection is poison. Honestly, I blew it every day. But I kept on trying. And you know what, I think it's okay to break the rules, if breaking the rules means that I am finding my strength and sending the very strong message that I am not putting up with your lying, cheating, arse anymore! I was pretty fierce with my H and I don't entirely regret it. As time went on, he saw/knew I wasn't going to sit home and cry and let him walk all over me or my life. He learned how I deserved to be treated, and what the kids needed, because I demanded it. And you know what? He learned to respect me and he learned my worth. No one wants someone that doesn't first value themselves. .... so your most important homework, is to find yourself again ...
You are a strong woman, arsh. I can read that all over your posts. This will not kill you and I know it will make you stronger. Just learn to have patience with yourself. There is no rush to do or be anything. Just find time to give yourself the love that he took away.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
