Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[Dtrmned]

I would love to say this is getting easier.

In a way it is. I go through each day a little less stressed than the one's prior. Some are better than others, but I can see myself getting better and better. Good weekend. Took the kids to dinner yesterday. I went to a game on Saturday and had a good time. Socialized with some people and as I suspected I am still a likable individual.

I got a lot done this weekend around the house. I won't lie my W mentioning the moving thing and that her intention was still to part was on my mind but did not bother me as much as I thought. My mindset is that there is a big chance it is going to happen so my preparations for this seem to be working. Of course I will be sad when/if it happens. I believe she will be as well. Who wouldn't? There were no arguments and no real discussions as W had some health issues that kind of knocked her out for one of the days. The other I was busy.

I did mention one thing to her yesterday. She has been really struggling with her health these last several weeks. I don't mention it often as she has requested me not to comment on that. She was out of it again yesterday and after she awoke again and got settled in, I just looked her square in the eyes and said:

"I know you asked me not to mention it, but it appears to me there is something going on with your health that you may want to look into. I wouldn't mention it, but I am concerned". Her response was "I just have to get over whatever virus or whatever is going on, I'll be alright". I've known this woman for over 20 years and have been with her through all of her health issues. Her skin is very pale. It also appears to be much dryer than usual. She has zero energy, irritable and just not happy. I don't know if this is a combination of depression (due to our sitch), the usual depression she deals with, any of the multitude of health issues she deals with daily, or a new one arising. I don't know.

Just to clarify. She is not an invalid. She "appears" to everyone else to be a normal, beautiful woman, wife and mother. Very few people know what she deals with. I do. i will encourage her to look into this, but it is her choice on how to deal with her health.

Looking forward to the work week and digging in and making some things happen.

I mentioned this earlier, but it just seems like we are detaching from each other much, much more. I know that DB'ing is for myself regardless of what happens. I am just curious as to if this is normal? Must it happen this way (at least most of the time) for there even be a chance to R? I think she is looking at it almost the same way I am. If there wasn't the lease ending issue, I think this would have the chance to go on for as long as she would like it for and as long as I would allow it to go on. But with this there, there seems to be a clear "deadline" that we both are feeling. My thoughts go back to what AS said last week that most in house separations are difficult since each person doesn't get the chance to both miss their spouse and experience life without them. I know this is on my mind as I had 2 really bad dreams last evening. Both were just interactions with my W. Just conversations. But both hurt very much. I just did some meditation in bed and coaxed myself back to sleep each time. I know these are normal. It is just hard when you would love for the person you love and is supposed to be your partner in life, just to be there for you to hold or for them just to hold you.

Input is greatly requested...