Newcomer here - tightrope walking

[SteveLW]

Okay, first welcome to the board, sorry you are here. But you will get advice here that will help you with people that have been through similar things.

First, please stop taking everything she says at face value. Believe NOTHING she says and only half of what she does. WAWs/WWs are notorious for trying to come up with impossible to live by terms. "I want to be the #1 priority, but I need time and space." Is that contradictory? You bet it is. But here is why:

Please brace yourself for this because it is going to hurt: she wants YOU to end things. WAWs/WWs rarely end things with the OM over ultimatums. Likely she told him to back off and wait for her. And now she is trying to get you to get fed up and to end the marriage. My sitch was very similar to yours. My W also made the "disappear" comment. That stems from her feeling stuck. She feels like she wants to be free to pursue a R with this ex, or eventually another OM (note, it is rarely about THAT particular OM, but he is just the current catalyst). They feel stuck in lots of ways, not wanting to hur their child, you, not wanting family and friends to know, not wanting to give up the life they have......but yet that lure of a new exciting carefree life is there too.

You need to back off completely. You cannot nice her back. You cannot cling her back. You cannot prioritize her back. You have to give her the time and space she needs. You have to be ready to move on to show her what she stands to lose. You have to GAL and detach. Period.

And yes, that means some nights you are out with the guys doing GAL activities and away from S. If you end up D'd you will have longer periods of time where you are separated from him, so it is something you need to get yourself used to. Plus it is good for both of you to also have some time away from each other (I mean you and S).

So stop the clingyness, detach. GAL. Continue to spend time with your S, but that doesn't mean it has to be every waking hour. You have to give her up to get her back.

Finally quit obsessing over the ex or any other OM that comes along. Part of giving her time and space is you do not try to control her. Telling her to not have contact with him does to things: 1) it makes you look controlling and 2) makes the R with the ex even more romantic. Notice neither of these things are positive for you.