First, my apologies to private e-mail friends who have read this already.
I spoke with DB Coach Laurie and after a good deal of discussion of various tactics, the bottom line was that if I wanted to keep the R, staying at home clearly was not working given that W is so focussed on me as everything wrong in our lives. We concluded that I should begin the process mentally as well as legally of negotiating my withdrawal on the most favorable terms. If there is progress in the interim, bank it and take it from there. Unfortunately, she saw the sitch as very destructive and even dangerous right now and sensed that I was being beaten down. She also thought I should pursue counseling on how we handle the children in this sitch--and this would be an opportunity for W to begin hearing different opinions from a third party validating my approach to child rearing.
As for my feelings, the process of truly letting go begins. I may talk with my priest about this, but if I say I believe, then I should act like it. And I do believe. Just a few weeks ago I was coming to peace with this, but the financial prospects of what lie ahead sobered me up a bit--given that marriage is very much an economic arrangement on top of an emotional one.
What stinks now is that i just need to be alone and have a big cry and let all this emotion out of me--but I don't have that luxury right now. Laurie said that I needed to be careful about bitterness and that I should hold my head up knowing that I've tried everything possible and gave it my best shot. And she still does believe in miracles! Laurie also noted that this is not a matter of giving up as much as it a matter of defining my goals. If I just want to stay in the house and be a father--she'll help me. But if my goal is to continue an R with W --the status quo has offered little to suggest it is going to get us there.
Even if I pursue a separation, a lot of outstanding issues remain. Asking for joint custody and security financially is not unreasonable to put on the table--in an open and friendly manner. DBing actions also must continue. If I'm ever to get W back, she cannot fear me and I must be a positive mirror to her. I certainly cannot be the enemy. So, I'm not going home tonight and saying I'm leaving or demanding a discussion on this. Nor will I commence a financial war and force her hand. But the next time she pursues, I will not walk away and will begin entertaining our next steps. And for Mother's day--I'll get her an expensive bottle of red wine specifically for her to take to the beach while she and the kids are away to sip on at the end of one of her tough days.
