I don't have any wisdom to share that isn't here already. Triple J and Lee and everyone have posted some things here very much worth thinking on.
I too am concerned about the mental state your W is in right now and about how much you can and should deal with, Merrick.
You mentioned a few posts ago, a right vs. expectation to be treated better. It is a right. I can relate somewhat to the things you're writing about Ws behavior. My H went through a period of a couple of months in which he acted somewhat violently and irrationally. He never hit me, just inanimate objects, but I feared for my safety and his.
Here is another thought: What about staying put and asking your W to leave for a while? Only you would know whether this would be wise or feasible for your sitch, of course.
If you confidently and calmly approached her and explained that her behavior isn't acceptable to you and why, and ask her to leave, noting that she is welcome to come back based on whatever behavior change you need.
Again, I am not saying you should do this or anything else, just adding more food for thought to your plate.
I can tell you that I did do this and my H was appalled at first, though he complied. I will also be honest and say I don't know whether it was the best idea for the process of DBing and reconciliation--obviously we aren't together right now.
But I can say it was what needed to happen at that time for my peace of mind and mental health. It stopped a dangerous situation from getting worse, and it changed his awareness of his behavior quite dramatically.
wonder
p.s. I too believe you did the right thing with S9. Someone needs to be the adult model here, and you are doing a very good job of that. Children need that kind of boundary setting.
