I tend to agree with trip. I know that i have always been one of the loudest in saying 'stay in the home!', but you should not have to put up with such abuse. As Michele says, 'If what your are doing isn't working, then it's time to do something different'. I think that after all this time it might be in your best interest (and i even think for your kids) that you remove yourself from this deterioating sitch. A short term solution might be, the next time she starts in on you pack an overnight bag and leave, go and stay with a friend or even a motel for the night. Sort of a 180, and its not moving out. You could take this a little further and take enough stuff for a week, popping home to see the kids each day, but leaving as soon as your W gets home or starts anything.
Going dark is not about cutting the person out. It gives tempers a chance to fade, give you some space in your own head, and gives you a break from the drama. It seems from here that the tension and drama level in your house are very high, and i have no doubt that dispite your best efforts the kids will be feeling it and reacting to it. Don't forget, all because your not living full time at home doesn't mean that you abandon your children.
A friend of mine moved out of his home just before his first child was born, his wife and him where having major problems and he was worried about controling his temper, what he might say and how the tension would affect the baby. However, he was at the front door every morning at 9am (always rang the door bell), spent an hour with his child then left for work, returned to the house at 5pm and then spent 2 hour with the child, insisting on spending this time and also looking after the child 2 nights per week in the home so his w could go out.
Something like this may work for you.
You have show compassion, patience and caring, but i think it might be time for a different appoarch, though only you know what is right for you.
