Hi Everyone, First time posting. Sad to be here but I am hopeful to have found DB’s. I have been married to my H for 18 yrs and we have a 17yr old son.
About 5 months ago my H told me that he had been unhappy in the marriage, which was horrific timing because our T son had been kicked out of two schools in 6 months time and then he tried to take his life. We had to send him away to a boarding school and now we are both premature emptynesters. I went into a big depression, one because i felt traumatized by everything and because I was a stay at home mom, and now kind of lost my purpose and my identity.
In my H’defense I didnt want to have sex and just really wanted to sit inside and watch netflix. Not healthy I know but this is what I did. Also my two cats died and his dad got sick and his health is failing.
I am angry he didnt tell me that he was unhappy and kept it in and he claims it was because I am so sensitive and cant handle critisicm , so to sum it up I couldnt fix or work on a problem I never knew existed. I honestly did not know what to do with this, we had been in MC yrs ago and it was a catastrophe.In the last few months we had been going to individual therapy but he went only for a few months and I am still going. He felt like it was very negative.
About a month ago we got into a fight, I told him i wanted to go back East and see my family and he and I were sleeping on opposite sides of the bed so what did it matter, and our son was gone so I wanted to get away. We ended up talking about the marriage and he said he wanted a D and did not want to try to save the marriage, I cant say I begged or pleaded but just asked him what happened to a couple trying to work thing out, and that we had been through a terrible year and lets let the dust settle and give ourselves some time to recalibrate. He was adamant, so I packed a bag and flew out on the next flight back East. It was the most alone I felt in my life. But im glad i left.
Before this happened we were scheduled to take an RV trip to go pick up my son from Wilderness therapy before he went on to Boarding school. I knew we were supposed to do family therapy during the last week at my sons camp,so I let them know before we showed up that my husband and I were getting a divorce and that i wasnt sure how this was going to effect my son and what they thought we should do about it. My husband had told me that he thought my son would be ok with this news ,But my sons therapist was pretty upset and said this would be a big setback for my son and we’re pretty upset with us that NOW we were going to drop this bomb on him after all of his hard work... I felt vindicatied without having to say anything to my H,and I felt so mad at him that he was putting us through this and told him he was selfish and a coward, my son and I also were also unhappy like my H,but we weren’t going to bail on our family. My husband tried to save face and said lets put the D off for now and work on getting my son situated and then we could focus on us, said her loved me very much but doesnt see how we could work things out although he thought he should try since my son was trying to get his life back on track and would feel like a hypocrite if he didnt try as well.
Since then we decided to put things on hold, did family therapy at Wilderness therapy, picked up our son and in the RV with our dogs took him to his new school. The RV trip was pleasant but i still felt shell shocked from the D bomb and how selfish my husband could be and shipping our kid off for 9 months in another state. We came home for a few nights and my husband initiated sex but just seemed like he wanted to get serviced ...zero passion. He did cuddle with me but it seemed forced. I feel angry because i really didnt see any of this coming and now I feel like my husband is a stranger and he has hurt me in a way I didnt think was possible.
I went back east since then just to decompress and help my sisters sell my childhood home.My H and I have texted and spoke a few times, but I feel like this will be a hard thing to come back from. I dont want to talk about the R because I dont want to get hurt anymore by him but know we have issues and need to work them out, i feel like he is not ILWMAM. I know I shouldn’t let his actions define me but it is not easy.I am back home and he is on a hiking trip he had planned awhile back, but he is coming home and I miss him, but am so mad at him and feel like I am under a microscope.I am so mad that he has put me through hell and back. He told me he didnt know why he said the D word, that he had been unhappy and had been thinking about D,but did not plan it to go that way. Also wanted to note that he has an incredibly high stress job and has been a great provider but is totally burnt out. His Dad whom he worshipped is close to passing away and my H just turned 50 and has gained weight, stopped working out and is drinking a lot more. I could be wrong but I think he may be having a bit of a MLC. I ordered the book DR, I just dont know what to do from here, when he gets home and we have to eventually address this horrible situation. I am not perfect, I suffer from depression but having a kid with issues ( he is on the autism spectrum but very high functioning) would be hard to deal with by any parent. I am feeling anxious and fearful and angry and heartbroken. I know there are people here going through a lot worse but I am still reeling from the D bomb. If anyone has any advice they could share I would greatly appreciate it.
