Hi Everyone, First time posting. Sad to be here but I am hopeful to have found DB’s. I have been married to my H for 18 yrs and we have a 17yr old son.
About 5 months ago my H told me that he had been unhappy in the marriage, which was horrific timing because our T son had been kicked out of two schools in 6 months time and then he tried to take his life. We had to send him away to a boarding school and now we are both premature emptynesters. I went into a big depression, one because i felt traumatized by everything and because I was a stay at home mom, and now kind of lost my purpose and my identity.
In my H’defense I didnt want to have sex and just really wanted to sit inside and watch netflix. Not healthy I know but this is what I did. Also my two cats died and his dad got sick and his health is failing.
I am angry he didnt tell me that he was unhappy and kept it in and he claims it was because I am so sensitive and cant handle critisicm , so to sum it up I couldnt fix or work on a problem I never knew existed. I honestly did not know what to do with this, we had been in MC yrs ago and it was a catastrophe.In the last few months we had been going to individual therapy but he went only for a few months and I am still going. He felt like it was very negative.
About a month ago we got into a fight, I told him i wanted to go back East and see my family and he and I were sleeping on opposite sides of the bed so what did it matter, and our son was gone so I wanted to get away. We ended up talking about the marriage and he said he wanted a D and did not want to try to save the marriage, I cant say I begged or pleaded but just asked him what happened to a couple trying to work thing out, and that we had been through a terrible year and lets let the dust settle and give ourselves some time to recalibrate. He was adamant, so I packed a bag and flew out on the next flight back East. It was the most alone I felt in my life. But im glad i left.
Before this happened we were scheduled to take an RV trip to go pick up my son from Wilderness therapy before he went on to Boarding school. I knew we were supposed to do family therapy during the last week at my sons camp,so I let them know before we showed up that my husband and I were getting a divorce and that i wasnt sure how this was going to effect my son and what they thought we should do about it. My husband had told me that he thought my son would be ok with this news ,But my sons therapist was pretty upset and said this would be a big setback for my son and we’re pretty upset with us that NOW we were going to drop this bomb on him after all of his hard work... I felt vindicatied without having to say anything to my H,and I felt so mad at him that he was putting us through this and told him he was selfish and a coward, my son and I also were also unhappy like my H,but we weren’t going to bail on our family. My husband tried to save face and said lets put the D off for now and work on getting my son situated and then we could focus on us, said her loved me very much but doesnt see how we could work things out although he thought he should try since my son was trying to get his life back on track and would feel like a hypocrite if he didnt try as well.
Since then we decided to put things on hold, did family therapy at Wilderness therapy, picked up our son and in the RV with our dogs took him to his new school. The RV trip was pleasant but i still felt shell shocked from the D bomb and how selfish my husband could be and shipping our kid off for 9 months in another state. We came home for a few nights and my husband initiated sex but just seemed like he wanted to get serviced ...zero passion. He did cuddle with me but it seemed forced. I feel angry because i really didnt see any of this coming and now I feel like my husband is a stranger and he has hurt me in a way I didnt think was possible.
I went back east since then just to decompress and help my sisters sell my childhood home.My H and I have texted and spoke a few times, but I feel like this will be a hard thing to come back from. I dont want to talk about the R because I dont want to get hurt anymore by him but know we have issues and need to work them out, i feel like he is not ILWMAM. I know I shouldn’t let his actions define me but it is not easy.I am back home and he is on a hiking trip he had planned awhile back, but he is coming home and I miss him, but am so mad at him and feel like I am under a microscope.I am so mad that he has put me through hell and back. He told me he didnt know why he said the D word, that he had been unhappy and had been thinking about D,but did not plan it to go that way. Also wanted to note that he has an incredibly high stress job and has been a great provider but is totally burnt out. His Dad whom he worshipped is close to passing away and my H just turned 50 and has gained weight, stopped working out and is drinking a lot more. I could be wrong but I think he may be having a bit of a MLC. I ordered the book DR, I just dont know what to do from here, when he gets home and we have to eventually address this horrible situation. I am not perfect, I suffer from depression but having a kid with issues ( he is on the autism spectrum but very high functioning) would be hard to deal with by any parent. I am feeling anxious and fearful and angry and heartbroken. I know there are people here going through a lot worse but I am still reeling from the D bomb. If anyone has any advice they could share I would greatly appreciate it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your sitch is very complex, no question. Lots of different issues and pressures. However, the good news is that DBing can help. No matter what the details are of your sitch, you can still DB. GAL (trip east is part of that), detach (read Cadet's link on this as detachment is very important), 180s (especially in your case as it sounds like you got lazy and stopped trying). Become the best Sansa you can be!
DBing doesn't guarantee that you will save your MR. Nothing can do that. But it will guarantee that you save yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am still waiting on the DR book, hope to get it any day now. I have been reading a lot on the DB website and there is so much information, so I appreciate you giving me suggestions on what to read. Although I could not find a thread for Cadet’s link on detachment. I will keep looking.
I have been trying to GAL, that seems harder than detaching since I am no longer a SAH mom, since my son left. But I did sign up for a hiking club and am doing some volunteering at a school. Yes , youre right I did get lazy and stop trying, I regret it but my S17 suicide attempt just took it out of me.
My H gets home tomorrow from his trip. It is going to be weird, we have not seen each other in a few weeks. He has Called me a few times ( I try to end the call first) and sent me a photo, and then we had a call together with my S17 at his new school and it was a great conversation with him, he is doing really well. Anyhoo, I am making plans like I normally do and my sister is coming to visit for a week this Thursday so it will be a good buffer. I’m kind of doubting myself with things like, should i put away his clothes, pick up his dishes? Think he may come home and be like WTH?!
Thanks again for taking the time out to reply to my first post. Have a great day.
I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I truly feel your pain. Certainly, for many of us here, when it rains, it pours. As if any one of those circumstances you describe isn't hard enough, it seems to all be piling on at once. I want you to know that you are not alone. I also believe that you, and people in general, are more resilient than we understand. You are very wise to reach out for support. I didn't start posting here until years after my sitch happened. It is when we are most vulnerable that we need others to care and lead the way. All of us here have felt the sting first hand of having a S that has threatened D, filed for D, walked away, or had an A. I am glad you are here and I would encourage you to keep posting.
I also want to share with you that I know what it feels like to have to send a teen away to wilderness and boarding school. This also happened right after BD (bomb drop), my H was having an A with a mutual "friend," and after my father died over 4 years ago. All of these things happened back to back. So it was one thing after the next and it took me down hard! I watched my teenage daughter spiraling out of control and I was still trying to wrap my head around losing my father, losing my H and M, and the betrayal (and shame) of him having an A with this woman I thought was a close friend for many years! Bam. Life as I knew it was gone. I look back on that year and don't even know how I got through it. Somehow I did. I also think that I am a stronger and better person for it.
I don't want to make your thread about me, but I want you to know, that you can get through all of this. It is going to take time. Sometimes just getting up and getting dressed is all we can do. Other days we accomplish more, and usually those days we feel a bit better. But you don't have to put pressure on yourself to master the rules here or even measure any progress with your H. Sometimes, the progress feels counter intuitive. I always tell people to start by taking care of themselves. Learning self love, practicing self care, and extreme patience. It took a long time for your situation to evolve the way it did, and most likely given your son's hardships, there were additional life stressers. So it may take longer to work through some of this. That is okay. And it is perfectly okay to put working on your M aside for a bit. There is no one size fits all here. It doesn't sound like your H is completely sure he wants D either, and he has been through some trauma too. So be patient with yourselves and each other. That is a good place to start.
Often the more space and freedom we give them, the more safe they feel to come back on their own. Remove all pressure and things will unfold more gently. Take care.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi Blue, Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply. I’m glad there is someone else out there that can relate somewhat to my situation. I truly appreciate youre advice and encouragement, It sounds like you have gained a lot of wisdom on youre journey. I’m not sure where you are now but It sounds like you are in a good place. I def feel traumatized and I know my H does too, but the Dbomb sent me to a lower level that I never thought existed. I know we didnt get to where we are overnight I just wish he would have said something to me. It is not fair but I have to accept it and try to work on myself. I am trying to take care of myself, but I think I need to do something new, like take a cooking class or learn a new language, mix things up a bit, last year was horrible and I want to do things that help me feel differently about myself and challenge myself a bit. My H texted me to tell me he is coming home a day early from his trip, which is positive but i dont want to get my hopes up. It might just be work related, thanks again for youre kind words!
Sansa - I'm new on the boards, just posted about my sitch today. But, I can tell you that it has helped me A LOT to start doing things that give me pleasure and just let me be 'normal' once in a while and escape the anxiety and sadness. Taking a cooking class was one of the things I did!
Hi Grace, I guess we are both newcomers, glad to have another person to speak to! I am going out to dinner tonite with my GF’s, and I always feel better when I am around them, laughing and drinking some wine! I am going to try to get one of them to take a CC class with me. Thanks for taking the time out to post!
