3 year old EA - where do I go from here?

[Matrix5]

M,

Your in denial my friend. Did you ever see The Godfather. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer. If your so convinced it’s just a friendship then just accept it and stop bringing it up.

I hear you loud and clear. The problem is that 3 years ago when this friendship started, I was outright against it, even if it was platonic and just pure friendship. Don't ask me why I was against it, I just was. That led W to go behind my back because her belief was (and still is), that this is not medieval age, and she has a right to befriend and hang out with whomever she wants, man or woman. That I don't own her, and have no right to tell her who she can and cannot hang out with. Back then I was against it. The fact that the guy was also my co-worker didn't make it any better for me, that's for sure.

However, I have made a complete 180 since, and have realized that she is right. I don't own her, she's not on a leash, and has the right to talk to and hang out with whoever she wants. The problem was, that I basically blasted her and blew up 3 years ago when she suggested that, and so she decided to go underground with it. The way she saw it was that she had to right to see whoever she wanted, but didn't want me to go apeshit on her every time she wanted to talk to him or meet with him. That led her to talk to him and meet him occasionally in secret. That in turn, once I did some sniffing around, led to believe she was having a full blown affair with him BECAUSE she was hiding it from me, and it all turned out into this vicious cycle. She hid it because she was afraid I'd blow up, and I figured she's hiding it because she's up to something, or else why hide it in the first place...

Last year, I sat her down and explained to her that I've realized that she was right, and I had no say in who she can and cannot see. I gave her my word that I will no longer care and will support whatever she wants to do (so long of course as it's nothing inappropriate). She was relieved initially, but as time went by, and as I mentioned in the OP, I kept on slipping and mentioning his name from time to time, or alluding to the fact the two are having an affair, or else, why was everything done in secret? She said she kept on doing it behind my back even after I gave her my word, because she didn't feel I was sencere in my promise - merely because I kept on mentioning him from time to time, and accusing her of screwing around with him.

As for a PI, why would she ever have to know unless she was guilty? He finds nothing no one ever knows. She’s guilty it’s game over anyways.

Right, and that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid - the game over part. I figured I can always hire a PI and blow her story out (if there is one to blow). But I'm trying to save this marriage. The way I see it, hiring a PI is a nail in the coffin of this marriage (assuming she's up to something). And unfortunately due to several reasons (financial, kids, living place, etc.) a divorce is not something I want or can afford (both from a financial standpoint and because of a situation with the kids). And I don't want a divorce anyways, I'm trying to save the marriage. So given that for the time being, I'm 'stuck' in this situation, I figured why not try make things better. As it is there's plenty I need to fix about myself, regardless of whether I stay with the W, or end up living with another woman down the road. if I work on myself, GAL, and continue my 180 from the old shitty me, then I'm achieving 2 things: 1) there's a good chance she sees the new me and realizes I'm worth continued being married to, and we get this marriage back on track. 2) She moves on from me, but at least I use the time being, living with her, and using her as my guinea pig. - Sort of a simulator on how to act and behave towards a woman. The way I try to think of the whole current situation is that I'm telling myself she has moved on from me, and there's no hope to reconcile. I just use her now as my experiment for my next relationship should there be a need for one. If she sticks around and we turn this boat around, great. If she decides she has checked out, at least I'll be prepared with a better and improved version of me for the next woman.