You need to communicate with your W about the kids openly and clearly. You said that you don't even know if she has received the proposal, let alone had time to go over it with a L. It sure seems like keeping the kids away from her until she agrees to something is HIGHLY controlling. If you are worried about the safety of your kids it might be justified, but short of that it seems inappropriate. Why does the L think it is a good idea not to let the kids go with her?
You need to tell her that you would like to talk about a childcare plan, and then explain what you have drawn up. I don't think doing it with a metaphorical gun to her head (not releasing the kids to her) is a fair way to negotiate.
W left me and took the kids. It was wrong of her to take the kids away from their home and with no childcare plan in place. In addition, she has been extremely controlling of where and when I can see the kids, until letting me have them for a couple of weeks.
The childcare plan being proposed is that the kids are with me on school days. School holidays end in a few days so they need to be in a routinue in the next few days. If W doesn't like it then she would have to take me to court which could take months.
However, if W takes the kids away from home and starts the school routine then it puts me a bad position with custody of the kids and it would then be me having to take her to court which could take months.
In addition, the kids are better off being with me on school days because W gets her parents to do nearly all of the childcare for her anyway plus their house doesn't have some basic home comforts that the kids enjoy at home.
It seems that W wants a D and also wants the home to be sold which would mean me having to live outside of the area and so perhaps lose seeing the kids so much.
I agree with Davide. By withholding the kids you are guaranteeing the situation will be worse. You would be giving your wife the ultimatum - do what I say or else you won’t have the children. That is controlling. Yes her taking the children wasn’t fair on you but that is done now. You don’t even know if she has received the letter from your solicitor. Maybe check with the solicitor when it was posted out.
How do you know her parents do nearly all the childcare? You aren’t there. What basic home comforts are they missing out on?
You say you wish to have the children on school days and you wife then weekends? Why cannot it be split equally? Surely that would be the starting point? You must want some weekends with the children yourself? So if she doesn’t agree with your plan tomorrow you will refuse her access to the children until it goes to court?
You need to separate your role as a parent and your relationship with W. Don’t put the children through horrible battles - they will know and be aware.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
I agree with Davide. By withholding the kids you are guaranteeing the situation will be worse. You would be giving your wife the ultimatum - do what I say or else you won’t have the children. That is controlling. Yes her taking the children wasn’t fair on you but that is done now. You don’t even know if she has received the letter from your solicitor. Maybe check with the solicitor when it was posted out.
I now know that L representing W has been sent the childcare offer and I have sent W a message to let her know. I asked whether she has received it.
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How do you know her parents do nearly all the childcare? You aren’t there. What basic home comforts are they missing out on?
W is often at work when the kids finish school so has to get her parents and other parents to do after school childcare. W doesn't cook the kids meals etc. There are no proper beds, sofa, internet etc. at the other house.
The kids normal routine school routine was for me to collect from school, cook for them, homework etc. for a few hours before W came home from work.
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You say you wish to have the children on school days and you wife then weekends? Why cannot it be split equally? Surely that would be the starting point? You must want some weekends with the children yourself?
Offer is that W would get 3 out of 4 weekends, plus one evening each week to take the kids out for a meal.
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So if she doesn’t agree with your plan tomorrow you will refuse her access to the children until it goes to court?
W is very welcome to see them but shouldn't take them away from home to live elsewhere without a childcare plan agreed. W has been saying she wants a childcare plan and she does want me to collect the kids from school etc. so hopefully she will agree to it. However, the worry is that she will not agree, take the kids again and try to get them established at her house and then I could lose a case. I could then lose the kids and the home.
W had been saying she was going to take the kids tonight. My L got onto her L to say there needed to be an agreed plan in place beforehand.
W and FIL arrived. They seemed surprised that I had a relative with me as a witness. W didn't ask to take the kids. Instead she helped get them ready for bed. W & I read books with them. W was acting over the top too happy. She couldn't look me in the eyes and there was a massive emotional wall from her side. I felt very detached yet a bit sorry for her.
W told the kids that she is coming back to see them tomorrow evening right after she finishes work. W hadn't even asked me if that was OK. I asked her why and she said because the kids are upset. They were not upset. I said we were going for a meal tomorrow. She said she would be coming too (invited herself). I said it would be during the day when she is at work.
W took each of the kids into the bathroom and locked the door. She quizzed them.
W came into my (our) bedroom and I asked her if she agreed with the childcare plan. She wouldn't say either way but said something about taking the kids back home to live. I said "this is their home". She asked me to turn the music down as she couldn't hear me clearly. The music was barely audible and it was at the far side behind us. I then asked if she was recording us. She then acted weird and leaned towards me (I'm certain she's recording) and crossed over her fingers. I noticed she's done that same thing with her fingers in the past when I'd asked if she had been seeing anyone. I think it's like when a child crosses their fingers when they lie.
It seems obvious that W is incredibly emotionally charged and putting on a happy act. I feel nervous about what she is capable of doing as she is so unbalanced. I don't think there's any chance of MR and the more she acts the way she does the more I feel detached.
I waited to collect the kids from school but was then told that W had snatched them and W is to take me to court within the next week for the kids to live with her all the time.
Prior to then I had followed legal advice and my solicitor put a childcare access plan to W but now W is using that against me claiming it is controlling to want to have a plan in place of when I would get to see my kids. W even claims the kids are frightened of me. I am so, so shocked because the kids and I are sooooo sooooo close.
I have been so busy in the last couple of weeks with GAL that I had largely ruled-out a MR until such time as W had changed but now having to deal with this I could lose my kids, my home, everything, but there is still part of me that knows I'm a good person at heart and have done my very best.
I waited to collect the kids from school but was then told that W had snatched them and W is to take me to court within the next week for the kids to live with her all the time.
Prior to then I had followed legal advice and my solicitor put a childcare access plan to W but now W is using that against me claiming it is controlling to want to have a plan in place of when I would get to see my kids. W even claims the kids are frightened of me. I am so, so shocked because the kids and I are sooooo sooooo close.
I have been so busy in the last couple of weeks with GAL that I had largely ruled-out a MR until such time as W had changed but now having to deal with this I could lose my kids, my home, everything, but there is still part of me that knows I'm a good person at heart and have done my very best.
Is this what it needs for reality to really to hit home?
Make no mistake about it, the situation you are in now is what you have contributed to with your attitude towards yourself and this desperate hope for recon.
Everybody is entitled to their opinion - as long as the end goal is in the best interests of the poster.
Since the start I have advised you of the stance to take - and warned you it would go this way. I believe I said stop leaving the door open for this person while she gets her playing pieces in position. And lo and behold that is happening.
Now we are staring at the possibility of you losing kids, house and having to move out of the area - this is because you gave her the power and you were in a reaction mode - rather than taking total control of your actions - basically because you hoped for recon and didn't want to upset her and push her closer to D by angering her.
Certain people on this board have advised to keep the door open for this women and not file for divorce, when in reality this isnt a marriage, its an example of a guy getting took to the cleaners because he is trying to be a nice guy in hope of a recon rather than facing the reality that if you give her room to breath, she will slowly take everything she needs and leave you in a heap on the ground.
Battle lines need to be drawn and you need to stop being a good person and start being a man in control - because this situation will continue to deteriorate until you do.
But you have to take responsibility for this unhealthy belief that wife will change - its not happening.
Oh wow be shocked by the latest... under my care the my kids created some pictures for someone dying in hospital from cancer for which the person is very grateful. W is demanding the pictures are taken from the hospital and sent to W. How low can someone go?
Benito, I now realise that W prepared months before she left to ensure the result will be inevitable.
I am surprised at how much I've detached from W. GAL with the kids helped so much. I realise that for a W to leave and take the kids is so, so much harder than if a W has left without them.
W behaviour going so low has also put me off her a lot. I don't recognise her as the same lovely and honest person I loved for most of my life, and realise W and her parents have been living a lie deceiving me for 2 years.
However, when W visited a few nights ago with her controlling very calculated father he said to me that W and I should go away for counciling and he still had some hope. I started to fall for it and said I knew he had been deceiving me for a couple of years but I'd try to put that in the past, but it suddenly became crystal clear it was all lies and that her father is pulling W strings directing everything trying to get me to say certain things that were likely being recorded. I asked them to leave.
W is claiming I wasn't the kids main carer (I was a SAHD for years) and that the kids are frightened of me which is absurd and besides W just let me have the kids for 2 weeks on my own and we had a fab time.
W is also telling lies about when she visited last week. I recorded it for proof but I don't know if I can use it as evidence.
A problem is that cases are only based upon 'balance of probabilities' and W has told lots of lies.
I went to court yesterday. W and I sat directly opposite each other at a table. She looked very, very sad. She couldn't look at me at all and we never spoke. I felt detached.
I was advised that it was likely that I'd only get to see the kids for a couple of meals per week for many months whilst reports were done on W claims. W legal person was then made aware that I had evidence to show W claims were untrue. W then withdrew her lies. I got 50/50 of the kids for the next few months.
However, I woke in the night feeling very sorry for her. She must love the kids as much as I do. She used to be a lovely honest person and now she looks so sad and telling lies.
Today, a young woman less than half my age sat next to me on a bench at a bus stop and started a conversation with me. She was lovely and inteligent telling me what course she was studying etc. We said goodbye and she tuned and walked towards me gave me massive hug and a kiss on the cheek. I told her that she had made my day. She then asked how she could contact me. I was stunned. I didn't give her my phone number. I doubt I will ever meet her again but she was like a ray of sunshine.
