Here it is number 667. Remember that different cultures view numbers differently, what could be unlucky in a western culture is considered lucky in a different culture.
It has a lot to do with how you look at it, to turn a frown upside down and make lemonade out of lemons. Is that corny enough to be a Hallmark card?
W snapped at me last night when I was showing her how to use our digital camera. I may have been less than clear on the correct buttons to use, but when she yelled at me, I said I had a "right" not to be yelled at.
She said, "A right? A right? What about my rights all these years. But no. Unless I'm perfect, you won't accept it."
I politely said "expectation" of not being yelled at may have been a better word than "right," but would you like me to show you now how to use the camera and I'll try to explain it better. She refused and another day in paradise ended. But she did mumble that my actions were not matching my words on change and that I was not serious. I don't really recall saying much of anything about how I was changing, so she must be inferring the chnages she does see as my "spoken word" as compared to those times where I backslide. I guess such ambivlance is good and the message I get is to show I'm serious by continuing to act like a loving person--regardless of her own actions.
W has events scheduled for tonight, tomorrow and Thursday, while I'll see the Yankees tomorrow with my Dad (Christine?? Want to come?). This should give us "back off" time. The next big step will be the separation agreement she and her lawyer propose to me. W will be wrestling with that one alone and that ought to be fun!!!
Evening Journaling I apologize for the length, but I use this to journal and I live in a strange place.
If this wasn't so insane and tragic, it would be funny.
I get home about 7:20 expecting W to head right out for dinner with friends (perhaps OM later). But the house is a mess and W is not dressed to go out.
I ask--and then she launches into a such a lenghty barrage I can't possibly recall even half of it. Although it started with the sarcastic,
"I'll stay home and ML:o to you because you need it so bad. Do you like the house? Maybe I should leave it for you this way all the time and you can take care of everything. That's it. I'll move out and you can figure it out. How long do you need to straighten out the kids? What's your vacation time? Four weeks? You can take four weeks alone to straighten out the kids because I didn't do enough of a good job disciplining them. Are you going to write this in your journal? Oops, I have to be good because my family has warned me that if I lose it you'll use it against me to take away the kids."
I listened, did not fight, and even tried a Seattle hug, but could barely touch her before she recoiled and said, "You must really need it bad so let's just do it so you can stop touching me." She added that I just don't get that it and basicaly was a fool hoping for her to turn around. She then said, maybe she should act this way every night and just dump it all on me -- the changed Christian.
By this time, I get a reprieve as S9 comes downstairs and asks me to have catch.
But there is more
S9 and I finish the catch so he can take a shower and get ready for bed. But once inside, S9 refuses to shower because he wants to play a game. I tell him he can play a game after, but he needs to get th shower done--that's why we came inside. I don't yell at him and stay calm, but S9 begins his power struggle with me.
I carry him upstairs joking, and tend to D's. S9 then goes downstairs and puts on the TV. I ask W to help get him, but she says since she doesn't know how to discipline them, she won't do anything. At this point, I have a choice: let S9 get his way and avoid upsetting W; OR, let S9 have his way.
Right or wrong, I chose the latter. I turned off the TV and carried S9 upstairs to his. He stars SCREAMING, "Let me go!" I said, you can stay in your room and calm down. He screams "let me go" about 25 times and tries to go downstairs--I just block his path, saying "No." AND I was calm. S9 hit me, so I spanked him once, saying never to hit me. W dials someone on the phone and holds it up so they can hear S9 screaming (she later said it was her C--althoug the # on the phone was her B/SIL.). I finally tell S9 that's enough, undress him, and put him in the shower--while he is still screaming.
S9 retreats to his room after, and W goes to him and lies next to him in bed until he is asleep. I tried to talk with him, but he had no interest, so I kissed him goodnight. I'll talk with him tomorrow.
W just stared at me, but I hope my remaining calm with him left some impression. I could have yelled--but didn't. I was just firm. Unfortunately. W considers this as an example of my trying ot show she is a bad mother, but the kid needs to see some limits.
Meanwhile D6 writes a note saying she loves Mommy and daddy. This really is a tragedy and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
I haven't read all of your journals but it seems to me you are missing the mark. I don't know what the Seattle move is but it looks like a DBing no no to me. My personal opinion is you need to re-read the DR and maybe consider doing LRT. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but things seem to be getting worse for you rather than better. Look for cheese else where.
My W pursues ME. She is anti-SBT and does whatever she feels. The only LRT I have not tried is moving out. However, since we are not on the same page regarding the best disciplinary approach for the kids--this too can be an issue, and W said as much this morning.
She wanted to talk about last night and asked me if I was comfortbale with how I handled the sitch. I said the whole thing was unfortunate, but if I had to do it over, I might have given S9 more time from the outset to come upstairs, but once he started screaming, I did not think I reacted wrongly by refusing to yield to his demands. I said I asked for help from her before he got out of control, I never yelled at him, and I said I would let him be to calm down in his room. I also aksed W if she would have allowed him to go downstairs after he started screaming.
She never said what she would have done differently, other than to assert that this never happens with her (because she gives in after getting into shouting matches with him or just outshouts him at the top of her lungs until he yields--do I need to start documenting this as well?). She said I was probably mad at her for getting close to him and undermining my discipline. I said if i was upset with her that I would have said something, but did not have a problem (a 180?).
She acted shocked that I could accept last night's actions and said I was permanently ruining my R with S9 by being stubborn and not showing him respect--the same thing I did with her. She said he would not speak to me--and when I said that was okay for now, he can be upset until he feels better. She said that my acceptance of his not talking to me showed I had no idea how to handle him, would destroy my R with him, and feared what would happen on the days I had the kids when if we were apart. To her, this was proof that I will not change and want everyone else to be crushed to conform to my standards and will.
I said I was willing to try and work with him and asked again what she would have done differently. No answer.
Am I wrong or is she just a major projector of her feelings onto everyone else. I won't do it, but I'll tell you that I'm as a ripe for an affair of my own right now than at any time in my life. I know, "don't believe a word they say--and I am in fact in a much better position today to take care of myself and control my own anger.
Laurie--a I sense a new call coming on. The balance between total back-off, being her friend, and her relentless pursuit of me seems to be an impossible juggling act.
Good Morning Merrick, Before I go off to flip burgers I wanted to say Hi.
Your right you are ripe for an affair.However you knowing that is half the battle.the other half is to keep yourself out of sitch that could get you in trouble.
I can tell you from experience that single motherhood is the most difficult thing in the relm of motherhood.
So maybe she needs a taste of it.
What could you do to give her a taste of single motherhood without making her a single mother.
Can you go on a long trip? I have heard of the catholic church having retreats.I don't know anything about them.I'm not catholic.But you would be able to get away and not be in a place to meet woman.And you could get closer to God.
Plus your wife will have the kids for however long you are gone.
You could tell her you are going away for a while to think about what you want.
And you would be well rested when you got back to DB you butt off.Your burnt out and you need to take a break if you can get one.
You can't keep letting her do this without some sort of relief.I guess I'm lucky in that my H is in slut diego.At least he can't be mean to me.
I think it is time for you to take care of yourself so that you don't end up having that affair.It would only put you in a crappier place in your life.
Take care of yourself.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Merrick, I think you did the right thing w/S9 and W. She just doesn't see it. She is projecting all the negative she can get her hands on. She is a negative magnet so it is hard for her to see any positive in what happens, even your hugging. The devil has gotten his hands on her and won't let her out!
I agree that you need to get away or at least get some time to relax and renew yourself. My H kept the kids on Saturday night and all day Sunday. Although I felt guilty not being w/them, I soon got over that fact so I could do some things for ME. Nice long bath, read, sleep in, etc...I felt good when I saw them again. I didn't get "away" but I was removed from the situation in such a way that I got to do something for me. It was nice. Maybe you can do an overnighter away from her just for a day or two? Would be refreshing. Take care. Tootles..........
Doing a quick check in while the WIFI connection is still up... my computer has been down for the past day.
Anyway, sorry to read about the latest fiasco with S9. I will note progress here for you, in case you haven't mentally logged this. That is, I think you recognized that there was not going to be a Win checked in your column, no matter what choice you made. You can only do what you know is best, and I believe you did.
Hopefully Laurie will check in with you ASAP.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think that you did the right thing WRT S9. Children need boundaries in order to feel safe and cared for. By not raising your voice and calmly taking a stand you showed that your the adult and that you care enough about him to take the time to actual follow through. He migth be cross with you for a few days, but i think that it will actually help as you are showing him a father that he can respect and giving him an example of adult behaviour.
I also think that a break might be a good thing for you. It is so very draining having to live this drama day in and day out. I like the idea of a retreat, i finding them to be very refreshing and a great way to recenter myself.
It may well be worth giving you W a taste of what being a single mother would be like, it would be ok, i think, if you had to go on say a business/work related trip for say 2 - 4 weeks. Then you could apply the LRT (of sorts) and she would have the time to see if her 'problems' go away when your not there!
Your sitch is certainly difficult and i think that you have great courage for putting up with what you do.
I apologize for the length, but I use this to journal and I live in a strange place.