DB / Detach, WAW... piecing

[SteveLW]

Did, you can't imagine how difficult it is to read your posts. If there is a poster child for DB'ing, perhaps Steve or Maika, then you would be just about on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not saying that to offend, but to hopefully open your eyes. You are doing all the wrong things, all of the things we advise against. You are applying CONSTANT pressure to your W at a time when you should be removing all pressure. Nearly every conversation is relationship-related and started by you. AND you top it off by going out and dating another woman! NONE OF THIS IS WORKING. You are ruining your chances of recon, and you are NOT growing as a person. Your posts are all over the place swinging from "I want a divorce" to "I want to save my M" on pretty much a daily basis.

Here is my advice- FULL STOP. Quit talking to your W about anything other than kid care. Break it off with the new woman and plan on not dating anyone else for at least 6 months if not a year. Read DR again and get back to basics. Read Sandi's rules every day. Read back through your threads and REALLY READ the comments you're getting from others here. FOLLOW that advice. Focus on fixing you. Stop doing what YOU think is right and follow DB'ing principals.

To steal a line from Neffer....head shot.

Did, you have AS's attention. The guy is a DB SME. You would do well to pay heed to his advice if you want any chance of turning things around.

[Did]

Will do, thank you. Going to focus on myself as advised. I need to focus on self control and inner peace. Contentment on my own.

W just threw at me a few days ago feelings for me etc. I should of just said thank you thats nice to hear. And kept on doing what I was doing. Therapist said similar stuff. Youre right on the pressure.

Have to learn and do better.

[LITB]

Did,

AS gave you some outstanding advice. I couldn't agree more.

One thing I would suggest, consider consulting with an attorney about support. Knowledge is power. It will give you some relief knowing what you will be obligated to pay in your current sitch. It helped me once I had this info.

Anyway, re-read the advice from AS and the other members who have been supporting you.

[Did]

Thanks all. I am going to heed the advice. Go back to DB and have gotten back in IC. I will reread the books and posts here. I know it in my mind but have to have the balls to do it and stay strong, consistently. Pretty disappointed in the fact that she put herself out there a bit with expressing feelings for me, saying shes attracted etc... after limited to no contact for a while and I screwed it up by jumping all over it. Rather than just putting it in my pocket and continuing as was working. This is a repetitive theme and shows I have more work to do on myself. Im going to do the work. I will reread the books. Getting back into IC yesterday felt a lot better to talk through things its expensive but it is what it is. Wish I had been in IC consistently but at $125/hr plus support and job change its a lot.

I have not reached out to W at all the last 2 days. Except about D4. She thanked me for the space and said she needed it. It just seems so far fetched that we could recon. I'll do the opposite of what I want, pull away go as dark as I can, even though what I want is to hold her in my arms and be honest... we're still way apart in what we want.

One thing- she knows I have been dating. I am going to pick up D4's stuff before school ends today. I was thinking of asking how she's doing and just telling her I'm pulling back from dating. Or just say nothing and let her think Im out there with women... Thoughts?

LITB- Thanks for chiming in. I started reading up on your sitch but had a hard time following. It gives me a sigh of relief or ray of light to see someone who got back together. Seems like a dream or fantasy.

I pulled away from new woman. She is such a kind and good person. She doesnt deserve to be hurt. I feel like an a**hole for getting involved knowing she has strong feelings and Im so unsure.

I do have this NGS, fixer, white knight thing. I have always gone for women based on looks and then they need to be fixed. Eventually the relationship ends and I try to fix it. I have things to work on, no denying that. W also has a lot of issues and I still want her and us / our family. My thought process with divorce and new woman was that she is healthy attractive a good partner long term. Kind of the opposite of what I have always gone for. So that's where my head was at before... that maybe this could be a healthier relationship. But then W showed interest I felt out of control etc.

[AnotherStander]

Thanks all. I am going to heed the advice. Go back to DB and have gotten back in IC. I will reread the books and posts here. I know it in my mind but have to have the balls to do it and stay strong, consistently. Pretty disappointed in the fact that she put herself out there a bit with expressing feelings for me, saying shes attracted etc... after limited to no contact for a while and I screwed it up by jumping all over it. Rather than just putting it in my pocket and continuing as was working. This is a repetitive theme and shows I have more work to do on myself.

Very good thoughts there! Don't beat yourself up too bad, DB'ing is all about growth. Do what works and stop doing what doesn't work. You know now what doesn't work so learn from it and keep moving forward.

I have not reached out to W at all the last 2 days. Except about D4. She thanked me for the space and said she needed it.

See she STILL thinks you're doing things as tricks to get her back. You're on the right track now but you've got to keep doing it for YOU and eventually she will realize she may be losing you. Then she will start pursuing, and you STAY THE COURSE. Let her pursue! Let her stomp her feet and pout and bat her eyelashes and make sexy comments or whatever. YOU just keep doing YOU. Right? Be the alpha male. By the way I hope you didn't reply to her comment thanking you for the space. No response warranted or required. Keep it up and if she asks you why you are doing it or why you haven't stopped doing it then tell her YOU need space to think things over.

One thing- she knows I have been dating. I am going to pick up D4's stuff before school ends today. I was thinking of asking how she's doing and just telling her I'm pulling back from dating. Or just say nothing and let her think Im out there with women... Thoughts?

My thoughts are that the dating is hurting you and your GF and you should end it for now until you can find your compass. BUT, it's not W's business! Don't say anything to her. If she asks you about it then tell her "I'm not currently seeing anyone" and leave it at that.

It gives me a sigh of relief or ray of light to see someone who got back together. Seems like a dream or fantasy.

LITB's sitch is inspiring and very informational. He posted a lot about what was going on and it's a great read. If you haven't read it all please do, a lot of vets that don't post much (or at all) anymore were active in his threads back around 2012 and there are some awesome quotes. Also pay special attention to what happened with his GF, he had some major regrets over breaking her heart. That said, the fact that he had a GF may have been instrumental in his W's 180. It seems to be the trigger that made her realize she had lost him. Also don't forget Steve, I think he will tell you he had the same thoughts as you early on about there being no chance of recon. And look at where they are now! Same with TXHubby. His sitch is a great one to read because the turnaround was about as dramatic as it gets.

[Did]

AS this is a great post. Thank you so much. Read a bunch of Litb sitch last night. I don’t know about calling my W babe or sweetheart. And he did so many nice things for her after BD. Not sure if I should be doing anything different besides being less available, Gal and working on myself but that’s my focus for now. Hope I have the chance to DB and stay the course after she starts pursuing next time.

[Davide]

How do you find those old threads? I have so much trouble working the search function on here.

[AnotherStander]

Not sure if I should be doing anything different besides being less available, Gal and working on myself but that’s my focus for now. Hope I have the chance to DB and stay the course after she starts pursuing next time.

Yes, good. And to be clear I'm not saying be cold and indifferent, a lot of people seem to think that's DB'ing. Giving space doesn't mean being rude though! At the same time, you can't "nice her back" so it's walking a fine line. That's why I refer to Sandi's rules all the time, they are a great template for how to behave. "Loving detachment".

How do you find those old threads? I have so much trouble working the search function on here.

The easiest way is to find a post by that person and click their name next to the post, then click "show forum posts". It'll show you all their posts going back to the beginning.

[LITB]

AS, I appreciate your kind words my friend. I have a lot of admiration for you and the asset that you are to the members of these forums.

You are absolutely spot on about the girl that I dated. I regret breaking her heart even if it wasn’t my intention and it was instrumental in my W’s 180(Epiphany). I suppose that it is sometimes better to be lucky, than good. I do know that the ex-GF did go on to get married, so I am happy for her in that respect.

Did,

Please know, I made a lot of mistakes during my first separation. I wouldn’t suggest following most of the things that I did at the beginning. Heck, I only tried to reading back on my sitch once and I didn’t get very far. It was frustrating to see the mistakes that I had made. Stupid emotions cloud reality.

Anyway……the change in your sitch begins with you, BUT that shouldn’t be the reason you work on self-improvement. Sure, use it as motivation if it helps. Ultimately, you should work on self-improvement, because you chose to have a better life, whether you and your W recon or not.

To me, a successful DB’r is someone who has embraced the process and put in the effort to self-improve. You won’t regret it.

When we arrive at this “marital trauma center” on “marital life support”, we are seeking to save our marriage. What we discover, is that we have to save ourselves first. Listen to the flight attendant, and put your oxygen on first. Otherwise, it will be hopeless.

That being said, what do you find attractive to you in a partner? I’ll give you a few to start:
Confidence
Humble
Communicative
Considerate
Selfless

I suggest once you have this list, become that person. Perhaps you can share with us what is different about you today, than when you first arrived here.

[Did]

I really appreciate you all being her every to support me. I’m on my phone so excuse typos. I was selfish unable to live in the moment I was trying to think back to sleeping next to my wife and I can’t even remember. It’s really sad. We were in separate beds for a while and have been separated 15 months but still 6-7 years we slept together. I don’t even remember. I repressed my emotions smoked weed. Couldn’t communicate well. Didn’t know how to get my needs met.

Now I’m very articulate and able to use my communication skills. I have a passion for life and a purpose I meditate and work on myself in therapy. W tried to talk to me about a growth mindset and growing together years ago. I blamed work. I couldn’t deal w stress well now I have healthy ways and my priorities have shifted greatly. I was so focused on results. Now I know all we have is the journey. I’ve changed so much. I definitely still have things to work on and can come unwraveled at times. But I’ve done a lot of 180s.

I’m pretty close to being the person I’d love to be with. Other women see it immediately and are drawn to me. Burn the Mother of my child and the woman I’m still married to is just walled up around me. It’s hard for me to be the man I am today around her she brings me back somehow.

She texted me I hope D4 sleeps better tonight. Used toI text her things like that sometimes but always include both of them. As I hope you guys sleep well. Why does she leave me out? She doesn’t care. She really isn’t kind she’s selfish entitled insecure fragile anxious etc. yet I still want her our fam and marriage back.

I sent too many pics of D4 today. Need to reach out less. DB completely and LRT. When I ignore her is when she comes toward me. That fine line is hard to walk. But I’m not responding to her goodnight text. She will be here tomorrow to get d4. I’ll be pleasant and happy but plan on barely speaking to her. No more pressure from me.

Thanks again all. Especially the vets